BoneTown review

In an age where censorship takes the forefront to shield our “virgin” eyes and ears from “danger”, it’s a relief and a curse that a game such as BoneTown actually exists. Not ashamed to overstep the boundaries of morality, and is so self aware that its almost sickening, Bonetown is essentially an interactive porno that, while is intriguing at first, is limited in scope.

Porn games are nothing new. In Japan, they’re quite common, except they are played as visual novels, rather than full-fledged games. BoneTown instead emulates the likes of Grand Theft Auto containing an open world to free roam at the player’s own leisure.

You’ll start washed up on the beach, being awakened by a douchebag frat boy relieving himself on you, which then paves way for the tutorial on how to rough him up a bit. It is after this beatdown when your eyes open to what BoneTown is all about. A busty blonde in a bikini informs you that your quest in BoneTown is to…wait for it… wait for it… bone as many women as you can. Of course, after her short conversation, she finishes by showing you how great she is with her mouth.

You’re then greeted by a man in black who works for an organization known as “The Man” and gives you fair warning that public indecency is illegal, and you will get arrested if caught doing so.

The premise of BoneTown is easy to understand: Grow your cojones (leveling up) by completing missions a la GTA, to be able to bone hot girls. The bigger cojones you have, the better the chances you have to hook up with hotter chicks. Until then, you’ll have to wade through obese and ugly chicks for cheap entertainment.

Getting around BoneTown is a tedious process. Jacking cars and bikes is unfortunately one feature of GTA that the game doesn’t emulate, meaning getting from place to place must be done on foot. The town is all too bland, which is mainly caused by flat, boring textures. Each location within BoneTown has a sexual pun attached to it like Missionary Beach, or Firm Wood Forest, and though I chuckled at a few, the rest just had me rolling my eyes.

Throughout the game you will also come across different drugs that act as power-ups. Marijuana will make you jump high (how clever!), while a crack rock will make you run at Superman-like speed. Other drug side effects include a lightning attack or a quick health boost, and at later bosses, are absolutely essential to achieve victory.

So as you progress through the game, completing quests for a broke hooker, beating down a man who believes he’s Jesus, offending Mormons, photographing college pre-rushes having fun with pre-grads, and even participating in making your own porno films, you will be given the opportunity to engage in sexual acts with almost any woman you see on the street.

You have a couple of options here. You can pick from three different orifices, one serving to give you a health boost, while the others are there for your “enjoyment”. Controlling these acts is not very fun, since the game has you controlling the speed and power of your thrusts. The closer you match them to what the woman desires, the faster she will “finish.”

The graphics are extremely cartoon-like, and closely resemble the art style of Leisure Suit Larry. If you’re expecting to see anatomically correct females here, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

BoneTown’s dry humor and undeniable pop culture references either succeed, or fail, depending on the person playing it. Obviously this is a game that you won’t find at your local retailer (for good reason) and should definitely be kept far, far away from the impressionable minds of teenagers. Sadly enough, teenagers are the unintentional target demographic for this game, and will be the ones getting the biggest kick out of this game. If anything, BoneTown has made me accept America’s strict censorship, if only just a little bit.