Mirror's Edge Parkour
Faith, star of Mirror's Edge, may never see the light of game in terms of a sequel, so we're giving her some amusement in the form of a parkour competition that places a lineup of characters in varying terms of athleticism with an enormous obstacle course riddled with plenty of red ladders, slides, and grips (conveniently placed on the side of a building, of course) as well as guards trained to shoot down intruders on sight. Each contestant is forced to flee from combat, as we didn't give them any weapons, and the slower competitors like Wario who have little knowledge in the way of martial arts struggle wildly, but it's all a hilarious spectacle that draws in ratings like a veritable magnet.
Barrel Roll Bonanza
In what is perhaps one of the first Olympic events to allow athletes to compete in personal aircrafts in lieu of relying on physical prowess, the Barrel Roll Bonanza is headed by Peppy Hare, who will expertly judge each and every barrel roll attempted, awarding points for precision, timing, and how quickly the pilot follows instructions, because we all know when Peppy tells you to do a barrel roll, it'd be in your best interest to do it. You don't want to know what happened to the last group who simply ignored his well-intentioned advice. But if you do, you might check beneath the floorboards of Mr. Hare's house.
The Olympics have come and gone, and now the training begins for yet another four years. The Olympics are one of the most prestigious athletic events across the globe, attracting the best of the best from all corners of the earth. The world's die-hard contestants are locked in a fierce competition to determine who is, in fact, the best out of the entire human race. Of course, that's really a kind of impossible stat to determine since there are billions of people on the planet, but we do a good enough job gathering what appear to be the most capable individuals. How do we determine the fittest individual characters in gaming? We hold a character-specific video game Olympic celebration, complete with events tailored to some of the contestants' specialties. We've got five Olympic activities we think it'd be a blast to put on TV — if these characters were real, anyway. The only catch? No ordinary Joes like you and I are allowed.
Sonic Ring Toss
Sonic hosts the Olympic Ring Toss, which first forces contestants into collecting as many golden rings as possible for use in the upcoming event. The more rings players collect, the more opportunities awarded for landing a ringer across several crystal Sonic cast statues. This is an obvious test of both each contestant's abilities as far as collecting rings — an obviously taxing endeavor, and pinpoint accuracy, scoring additional points according to which area on said Sonic statue they were able to land their rings. Multiple rings on one area earn a point bonus, and the winner is ultimately determined by total points earned. In the event of a tie, the player with the most accurate tosses comes out victorious and with a gold medal. Meanwhile, Sonic gloats from an observatory where he does absolutely nothing and broods over his rapidly-declining status as a proper mascot. We all cheer, because we know he can get back into the game if he tries.
Superstar Tennis Matches
Sure, we already have Olympic tennis matches, but these are culled directly from Sega Superstars Tennis, except we're opening it up to characters from every console. Each is outfitted with a specific power-up that may be activated after playing to the best of their ability, and once their personal meters are charged, it's time to unleash! Mario's a recent addition to the tennis team after showing infinite promise back in his Mario Tennis days, and he's packing some heat with the Fire Flower Bomb, sending flaming tennis balls hurtling over the net, having wrecked several tennis courts during practice matches prior to the main event. Even as he tears through the competition it's quite the spectacle to watch other players rush to defeat him before he's able to unleash the horrifically inconvenient power-up. Crowds react more to that than crowning an actual victor, and who can blame them?
Samus' Morph Ball Run
Samus oversees the Morph Ball Run, where athletes are locked into their own Monkey Ball-like spheres and asked to manuever around a twisting and turning arena to land their sphere in the designated pocket on the other end. The contestants are never allowed to leave their spheres until the end of their run, ensuring no cheating can be committed. Occasionally the arena will shift on its own, and players will be sent careening back to start. Whomever comes out on top without collapsing in their tiny little sphere is obviously going to be crowned the winner, and possibly gifted a special bomb augment for their equipment so they may compete in the next miniature event where they go one-on-one with Samus to see who can best who when it comes to challenging the victor. It's all really melodramatic, actually.