The 10 Most Eligible Video Game Bachelorettes, and Why They Are Still Pretty Much Un-dateable

Relationships can be hard. Trust me, we here at know that better than anyone. But you know, it’s not entirely our fault. When one spends hours upon hours dealing with the sort of girls that you find in videogames, it’s to be expected that one’s expectations of women is a little bit skewed. Whether you’ve sent a girl running when you whip out a bow and arrow (or a rifle with a chainsaw inexplicably duct-taped to it,) or found yourself drunkenly entreating a young lady to ‘toggle your joystick,’ the simple fact remains: no matter how many charisma points you have, talking to girls is tough.

But no matter how tough meeting girls is when you play lots of videogames, at least here in real life, none of them can cleave you from head to groin for picking the wrong dialogue option, (although some of them may still want to). So, in appreciation of that, we here at Game Zone have decided to whip up a list of the most eligible video game bachelorettes, and the pros and cons of making them your special lady friend.

Definitely not a dude.

10. Samus Aran (The Metroid games. Duh.)

Likes: Lasers, missiles, bird-people, long walks on the beach. (I’m contractually obligated to make that joke at least once, and I figured I’d get it out of the way early. You’re welcome.)
Dislikes: Space Pirates, parasites, pterodactyl-people, being without her armor, like, ever.
Why You Would Want to Date Her: As the hero of the Metroid series, Samus Aran is brave, adventurous, and certainly can’t be said to lead a boring life. She can roll up into a ball, which I’m sure has some practical applications for you kinkier folks out there, and under her suit she is, let’s face it, smokin’ hot.
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: Like I said before, Samus hates talking off her suit. While you may eventually get used to her cold, steel embrace, it’s unlikely that you will ever stop being annoyed by the constant refrain of ‘Samus? Isn’t that a dude?’

This is what you see in the split second before she kicks your ass.

9. Princess Zelda (The Zelda games. Come on.)

Likes: Light Arrows, brave elf boys, wrapping herself in bandages and pretending to be a ninja sometimes.
Dislikes: Navi (There’s no evidence for this, but come on, no one likes Navi), when the fields of Hyrule are covered in Darkness, and Ganondorf. Because seriously, that guy’s a dick.
Why You Would Want to Date Her: First of all, she’s a badass. She may get kidnapped all the goddamn time, but when it comes time to fight Ganondorf, Princess Zelda always helps out. Also, you’ll never have to worry about meeting her parents. They may be a king and queen, but man, those guys are never around.
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: Putting aside the mental instability that goes hand in hand with dressing up like a ninja and shooting light at people, Princess Zelda isn’t actually just one girl. Since all of the Zelda games take place in different time periods, she’s actually, like, twelve girls. And they’re probably all spoiled brats.

Seriously. Look how stupid that kick is.

8. Juri (Super Street Fighter IV)

Likes: Indistinct purple (aka EVIL) energy, baggy white pants, that stupid spin-kick.
Dislikes: Chun Li, shirts, fighting fair.
Why You Would Want to Date Her: I’m gonna be honest, there’s pretty much only one reason: Juri is hot. Also, crazy. And everyone knows that crazy equals hot.
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: Chick is totally evil. Also, that stupid spin-kick.

Not seen: Two more guns.

7. Bayonetta (Bayonetta)

Likes: Four guns at a time, inappropriately timed sexual innuendos, that look that you gave the box art when you first saw it.
Dislikes: Any clothing at all. Also, God.
Why You Would Want to Date Her: Bayonetta’s clothes are made out of her hair (yes, you read that correctly). This means that she can take them off at a moments notice, and when she’s not wearing them, turn them into a dragon. This is awesome. Also, she fires guns with her feet.
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: Pretty much everything I said above applies here too. Plus, she’s a total skank. And a witch. And British.

There is nothing about this I would change..

6. Jade (Beyond Good and Evil)

NOTE: If you haven’t played this game, find an xbox, a copy, 13 hours, and just play it. You can thank me later.
Likes: Photography, kids, her adoptive uncle Peyj (Who, it’s worth mentioning, is literally a pig.)
Dislikes: Government conspiracies, all colors besides green.
Why You Would Want to Date Her: Jade seems like pretty much the perfect woman. She works at an orphanage, is an investigative journalist, has badass green hair, and brings down alien empires in her free time. If that doesn’t do it for you, then I don’t know what does.
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: I’m, uh…. actually having some trouble thinking of anything here…. Um… She’s too cool? Did I mention that she was raised by a pig?

So cool that she wears her sunglasses indoors.

5. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)

Likes: Tombs/Caves/Etc, firing two guns at once, getting a gritty reboot every two or three years.
Dislikes: Wearing dresses, firing only one gun, those shitty movies.

Why You Would Want to Date Her: Lara Croft is universally acknowledged as the first female sex symbol from a video game. She hot, badass, well-educated, and she was played by Angelina Jolie in those shitty movies. What more do you want?
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: Girl’s got baggage. In addition to having some serious daddy issues, a quick glance at Wikipedia tells me that she ‘witnessed her mother vanish after tampering with an ancient sword.’ Yikes.

Not shown: Appropriate zombie-fighting attire.

4. Jill Valentine (Resident Evil)

Likes: Shooting zombies, halter tops, sitting out half the games in her series.
Dislikes: Umbrella Corporation, being continually replaced by new ‘Badass Chick Main Character’ archetypes.
Why You Would Want to Date Her: This may just be me, but I’m under the impression that it’s impossible not to be attracted to a woman who kills zombies for a living. Its easily the sexiest occupation, followed closely by ‘Professional Sex-haver.’ (Which, now that I think about it, is just a prostitute.)
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: Have you seen Jill in the most recent games? She all virused out and evil now. And blonde. Gross.

Zerg Death Queen

3. Sarah Kerrigan, Queen of Blades (StarCraft)

Likes: Killing things, commanding an endless alien hive, Blades. She is Queen of them, after all.
Likes, Prior to Becoming a Zerg Death Queen: Guns, being invisible, Jim Raynor.
Dislikes: Terrans, Protoss, good skincare.
Dislikes, Prior to Becoming a Zerg Death Queen: Zerg Death Queens, the prospect of ever being a Zerg Death Queen.

Why You Would Want to Date Her: Your official title would be King of Blades, which just sounds cool. Also, I would finally get to live out my lifelong dream of riding a zergling down the freeway.
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: Are you really gonna make me say ‘Zerg Death Queen’ a fifth time?

Seriously, what does she see in that guy?

2. Princess Peach (All 3,258 Mario Games)

Likes: Turnips, plumbers, facial hair, being rescued.
Dislikes: Turtles, any color but pink, Luigi when he’s had a few too many drinks, and is feeling ‘handsy.’
Why You Would Want to Date Her: Princess Peach is cute, kind, and fabulously rich. Also, she’s displayed a tendency to date way, way below her station.
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: Rescuing her would essentially become your full time job. Also, Mario is the last guy whose sloppy seconds I want.

Just look at those curves.

1. GLaDOS (The Portal Series)

Likes: Testing. And, well, um…. Mostly just testing, I guess.
Dislikes: Chell AKA ‘People who kill her for no reason,’ and the whole human race in general. Also, being a potato.
Why You Would Want to Date Her: Free cake? And she has a lovely singing voice.
Why It Would Be a Terrible Idea: I’m gonna go with the obvious joke here, and say ‘hell with journalistic integrity’: Because the cake is a lie. I’m not proud of myself.

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Eric Zipper is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles. When he’s not making you laugh, playing video games, or watching movies, he’s probably sleeping. Follow him on Twitter @erzip