My absurd thoughts on the Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 reveal trailer

OMG did you guys see the trailer for Awesomenaughts?! Seriously, how pissed would you be if this was the title of the article and I talked about a different game? Luckily, that isn't going to happen because an eyegasm brought on by explosions and confusion happened last night. I thought I was experiencing an aneurysm, but it was the Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 reveal trailer.

Many things went through my head as I sat there on the toilet, being bombarded by the wave of poop pains brought on by the pot luck lunch we had at work. One of those thoughts was, "God, I shouldn't have had that chicken green chili." I was also watching the Black Ops 2 trailer on my phone. Here were my thoughts on that (oh, and I give the time in the trailer that brought on my thoughts, so you can follow along):

:04  Well, looks like Frank Woods is back, and in the year 2025! Wow! You know what this mean — that whole Mayan calendar/end of the world thing was a hoax.

:13  Frank wears his watch the wrong way. Or the Treyarch team doesn't know how to wear a watch.

:17  He did not age well. He looks like he's been infected with the T-virus, which is the only excuse to continue having a zombie mode in the CoD games. He must scare kids away.

:23  We have 13 years to develop this stuff. I'm doubting that'll happen. In 1990, I was being told that we'd all be driving flying cars by now… Also, going to the future is a bold move considering all of the bad first-person shooters that take place there.

:29  Is that a f**king mech?!

:43  The way he says robots — hahaha. It's like listening to Congress talk about SOPA/CISPA.  Like, the technology is beyond their level of comprehension, but they talk about it anyways. And yes, it was a f**king mech.

:44  And there we have it: the first shot of the infamous Call of Duty "forearm and hand shielding us from falling debris" shot.

:59  How is that any different that modern Los Angeles? I kid, West Coast! But seriously, I'm impressed that our resilience when it comes to rebuilding cities destroyed in other Call of Duty games (yes, I know it's a different storyline than the Modern Warfare games — just roll with the damn joke).

1:09  I want to own that firearm. Now.

1:11  Wow, did Treyarch just take the character model from every other first or third-person shooter that takes place in the future?

1:29  Yay explosions!  Your sacrifice to the Michael Bay god will not go unnoticed.

1:32  Poor France. Why is the Eiffel Tower being destroyed in every CoD games? How many times does this happen? Is it even that shocking anymore? We're like, "Oh, look. The Eiffel Tower is being blown up again. Better roll the other one out here after we kill the bad guys."

1:33  Oh yay. I can't wait to be killed by those things in the multiplayer.

1:34  Are those horses? Did Call of Duty go all The Postman on us?

1:37  Okay, those really are horses. I guess Vermin Supreme ended up getting elected.

I think I blacked out on the toilet from losing too many fluids after that. I came to just in time to see "The Future is Black." The sentence that followed was removed because I couldn't think of a joke that wouldn't offend a lot of people. If you have a joke, submit it in the comments section below.

Also, for all of the people that thought it was such big news that Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 was being released on 11/13/12, I give you this:

Call of Duty 3 11/7/06
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 11/6/07
Call of Duty: World at War 11/11/08
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 11/10/09
Call of Duty: Black Ops 11/9/10
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 11/8/11

So, after watching the reveal trailer for Black Ops 2, I was overwhelmed by everything I've seen. It's a huge change of scenery for the Call of Duty series, which always revolves around a World War or modern warfare. There's mechs, and horses, and explosions, and it looks insane. Every year I say I won't buy this year's Call of Duty, and guess what — I end up buying it. With this one, I'm so intrigued with what I've been shown that I can't help but to purchase it. Curiosity killed the cat… probably with a knife swipe from 15 yards away.

You can follow Lance Liebl on Twitter @Lance_GZ