It's no secret that Saints Row: The Third is an open world game that continuously rewards players with joyfully nonsensical awesomeness. It's like playing with a really cool toy, all the while eating super sweet candy. After spending over 20 hours with the game, I can easily list a myriad activities I enjoy doing–and that's all aside from the campaign missions and side quests. There are dozens of ways to entertain yourself in the city of Steelport. Here are 10 things I do almost every time I turn on the game.
Jumping Into Vehicles
Hijacking cars is cool and all, but it's so much more awesome when you jump in through the window, in the process kicking out the driver. I never even bother stealing a car the normal way anymore because that's so uncool. Honestly, Saints Row: The Third spoiled me with this little feature. I don't think I'll ever want to steal a car in an open world crime game by just getting in and throwing the driver out.
Hanging with Zimos
I'm not a fan of autotune. I find it ridiculously lame, and the first time I heard a song that featured the gimmick, I burst into laughter at the absurd sound of it. The fact that Zimos the pimp speaks completely in autotune is something I can really appreciate because I've never taken autotune seriously, and its inclusion in Saints Row: The Third is very comical to me. Whenever I decide to claim some rival gang turf, I usually call on Zimos to roll with me. His autotune speech makes even the most intense shootouts totally hilarious.
Attacking People with the Penetrator
I really couldn't wait to get my hands on that massive purple dildo bat when I first started playing Saints Row: The Third. Its inclusion in the game was remarkable to me because it showed that developers didn't always need to be clever–they could just be blatantly dirty-minded. Whipping out that long, wiggly melee weapon is always a riot, and whacking people upside the head with it is even more enjoyable.
Using the Mollusk Launcher
Preordering Saints Row: The Third came with a few in-game goodies. The Professor Genki costume and Super Ballistic Manapult car are great, but the bonus I find myself using the most is the Mollusk Launcher. This cannon fires octopi that latch on to your enemies' heads, causing them to perform a quick spin dance move and the splits. That alone is awesome in and of itself, but to make things even better, the affected individuals will then fight alongside you. Best gun in the history of video games? Quite possibly!
Hitting People in the Groin
The fact that there's a button dedicated to hitting people in the nuts speaks volumes of what Saints Row: The Third set out to do from the very beginning. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it is walking up to people–cops, gang members, old timers–clicking down on the right analog stick, and watching as my character uses whatever gun she has equipped to strike their genitals. Oh, and if she's not holding a gun, a nice kick from behind does the trick.
Literally Tossing People Around
The phrase "tossing people around" can mean anything, but in Saints Row: The Third, it actually means grabbing people and hurling them any which way you please. Simply grab them as if you were going to use them as a human shield and toss them forward. It's insane watching them fly upward and land like ragdolls.
Running over people in crime games is fun, but whenever I see a group of civilians just standing on the sidewalk, I need to take action. I immediately get off the road and maneuver my wheels onto the sidewalk, engaging in a little game of "people bowling." I usually have the cops chasing me shortly after, but that doesn't stop me from doing it over and over. Hey, this a sandbox game–that's what those people are there for, right?
Pulling Off Wrestling Moves
I'm a big wrestling fan, so it should come as no surprise that I was in total shock when I first found out that you could perform running grapples on people in Saints Row: The Third. DDTs, bulldogs, flying clotheslines, and dropkicks are just a few of the moves taken straight out of professional wrestling that are a part of your arsenal. I really spend way too much time doing this, to the point where I can be under heavy fire and I'll attempt to take on my enemies using just my wrestling prowess. Also, the inclusion of Ric Flair's Stylin' and Profilin' strut is just boss!
Buying Clothes for My Character
I've managed to sink a few hours into just buying clothes for my busty female protagonist, mixing and matching articles of clothing, creating outfits, picking out different colors, and accessorizing. Is that embarrassing? A little. Is it fun? Hell yeah! Whether I'm picking out something reserved for my character to wear, amping up the absurdity with a lucha libre costume, or dressing her up in the most revealing outfit I can think of, I constantly return to the various outfitters in Steelport to do a bit of shopping. Hey, a girl's gotta look good, right? Plus, it would be wrong for me not to take advantage of those jiggle physics.
Frequently Returning to Professor Genki's Super Ethical Reality Climax
So this is technically an Activity in the game, but even then, I'd be remiss if I didn't list it as one of my favorite things to do in Saints Row: The Third. Even after beating all instances of Professor Genki's Super Ethical Reality Climax, I constantly find myself returning for more. The way in which this side quest pokes fun at the absurdity of Japanese game shows really stands out to me, making this Activity my absolute favorite out of all the optional tasks in the game. I don't do it as often as the other things on this list, but when I do, it's always a good time. Cash in pocket!
There are so many things I left off this list, and because the world of Saints Row: The Third is so free, I'm certain most of you could come up with your very own lists of favorite things to do in Steelport. Everything from engaging in gun fights to snapping people's necks to jumping off buildings can be a total blast. There's really never a dull moment to be found in Saints Row: The Third.