Movie releases for May 2012

Hey guys! Sorry I took a month off from my amazing movie release guide that you all seem to flock to month after month. I ruptured my ear drum and I just find excuses to not do stuff. So there. Anyways, May starts an amazing month of movies that should lead into an awesome summer of blockbusters. But are all of these movies worth seeing? Luckily, I'm here to give you my honest opinion of whether they're worth seeing or if you should do something else with hard earned cash. My opinion is based solely on news and research I've done about the movies, their trailers, buzz surrounding it, and whether or not I think it looks cool.

Scoring Guide:

bill murray  Bill Murray: Every month we will have a must see movie.  If you are only going to see one movie this month, this is the one you should see.  Of course, Bill Murray is the symbol for all that is awesome and excellent, so his face is what we associate with the movie of the month.

han solo  Han Solo: What's not to love? He's a charming scoundrel and one of the best movie characters ever. Everyone (except the Hutts) loves Han Solo. For excellent movies with tons of deserving hype that are must-see, they get assigned the Han Solo. When you say "I loved it," after seeing this movie, I'll just say, "I know."

liam neeson taken  Liam Neeson (Taken): This character kicks ass, much like the movies we assign this to. Movies with this score are definitely worth seeing, but could be held off until they're available for rental or download. As long as you see it eventually, you're good. These movies are known to throat-chop their way into your heart.

lord voldemort  Lord Voldemort: While the final Harry Potter was loved by many people, the final battle and some of the choices in the movie left people wanting more from it. Movies with this rating are good movies worthy of your time and money, but you may walk away disappointed.  Most recommened as a rental.

nicolas cage the wicker man  Nicolas Cage in Wicker Man: I can't, in good conscience, recommend seeing a movie with this rating. Odds are that it's going to be pretty bad, be it story or acting.  Only fanboys of the genre, director, writer, or actor might enjoy it.  This is much like the Wicker Man — so bad it becomes funny. "They're in my eyes!" No Mr. Cage, they are not in your eyes, but these movies might be bad enough for you to want to scream the same thing.

twilight  Twilight: An abomination to cinema. Do not see movies with this rating. I'm sorry to even include these movies or this picture, but you must be warned. If you see these movies, you be rendered an emotionless, catatonic, zombie — much like Kristen Stewart.


Movie Releases

Friday May 4, 2012

Marvel's The Avengers

I shouldn't even have to write anything here. You should just see "The Avengers" and automatically want to purchase a ticket. This is the must-see superhero movie right next to The Dark Knight Rises. Joss Whedon, Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man), Jeremy Renner (Hawk Eye), Chris Evans (Captain America) — need I go on? If you don't know what score I'm giving it by now, you're hopeless.


bill murray

Friday May 11, 2012

Dark Shadows

Tim Burton and Johnny Depp team up — yet again — for Dark Shadows, a comedy flick where Depp is cursed by a witch and turned into a vampire. He is released from his prison in 1972, and has to adapt to hippie life while protecting his descendants. Also, Helena Bonham Carter is in it. And Alan Rickman — wait, no Alan Rickman? Are you sure? Wow, I would've thought the whole gang would be here. Anyways, the talented Eva Green is also in Dark Shadows. It looks quirky and strange, but this director and cast can pull it off. The more I watch of the trailer, the more I want to see it. Will it be for everyone? No. But if you're a fan of Tim Burton films and Johnny Depp, then you'll probably love it.


lord voldemort

Wednesday May 16, 2012

The Dictator

Oh Sacha Baron Cohen and his shenanigans. What won't he do?! The Borat creator teams up again with John C. Reilly (Talladega Nights) and Anna Feris (Scary Movie) for a movie where Cohen plays an oppressive dictator. He shoots his citizens, doesn't respect women's rights, always wins, and hates democracy. Just from the trailer, we can see that really racist stereotypes are going to be exploited. Some people will get offended. Some people will laugh. What I think this movie has going for it is that it's not a mockumentary like Borat and Bruno. It'll be hit or miss, but Megan Fox is in it, and that's good for at least some shower time ammunition.


lord voldemort

Friday May 18, 2012


Does anyone think this is a movie that just had to be made? I don't. Based on the popular board game of the same name, Battleship star Liam Neeson (Taken, Star Wars Episode 1: The Sh*thole Movie) and Taylor Kitsch (John Carter, Friday Night Lights). Oh, and Rihanna is in it. Joy. So Battleship features aliens now, which might be where Michael Bay got his inspiration for the Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles. Yea, so aliens, explosions, Chris Brown Rihanna — all in a movie that has nothing at all to do with the source material, besides having boats in it. I'm sure the action will be entertaining, and it will do decent to well at the box office because it's summer and it has blockbuster written all over it, but I just feel like my childhood is being Chris Brown'd. Personally, I'd give it a rating of "Nicolas Cage Wicker Man" for me, but for the masses, it gets…


lord voldemort

Crooked Arrows

Mother of god, what did I just watch? I would rather drag my scrotum over a cactus than see this atrocious piece of sh*t. Brandon Routh — what happened? You were Superman. And now good movies are like kryptonite to you. First of all, everyone I know that plays/played lacross is a doucenugget that wishes they were still in college. They're the type that are either called by their last name, or have a name like Clark or Brad. Second of all, how are Native Americans not offended by this? Do they really say stuff like "smoke signals" when referring to their cell phone? This is a Mighty Ducks ripoff. There's even the all-white really good team — the equivalent of the Hawks from the Mighty Ducks. I guess it's appropriate considering the song in the trailer (Tubthumping by Chumbawumba) was released in 1997.

There's just so many stereotypes in this movie that it hurts. There's bows and arrows and spirits and ancestors and journeys and respecting land and david vs goliath references — all topped with really bad acting.



What to Expect When You're Expecting

I'm expecting that this is going to be awful. Like, really, really bad. Most of the cast is good (beside J-Lo), but the material is sooooooo cheesy! As a father, I'm offended at the portrayal of that group of dads. I love that they take an informational book to get people through pregnancy and turn it into a comedy. I don't even know what to say about this. It's all groan-inducing. I'm sure a lot of women/moms/wives will want to see this as a date movie, but in doing so, you're setting women back 100 years. Guys, avoid this movie. Women, go see it with all your girlfriends as you sip white wine and giggle about how stupid men are.


nicolas cage the wicker man

Friday May 25, 2012

Chernobyl Diaries

Russia is scary. A creepy child covered in dirt just standing there in an abandoned town is scary. You know who knows scary? The guy that made Paranormal Activity — and he made this too! It's part found footage/first-person and part regular styled movie. It combines for what looks really creepy, in my opinion. There's not enough poisoned Russian vodka in the world that can get me through this movie without jumping. I'm sure there will be cheap scares, and some elements of the movie will be disappointed, but I'm in need of a good scare and think this could do the job.


lord voldemort

Men in Black 3

Okay, I love the Men in Black movies. I love Will Smith. I love Tommy Lee Jones. But a lot of people have been very skeptical of Men in Black 3 so far. I actually think the movie looks fun, and Josh Brolin looks amazing in his role as a younger Tommy Lee Jones. The jokes look to be there, and the plot is interesting. Yea, it could be a huge flop if it doesn't hit more than miss, but I'm going to be optimistic and say that Will, Josh and Tommy (that's what I like to call them) wouldn't have made the movie if it wasn't going to at least be entertaining. I'm going to see it, and fans of Men in Black and Will Smith should do so as well. It's another summer flick that I can see faring rather well this season.


lord voldemort

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