Hello intrepid vampire hunter/vault dweller/Big Daddy/killer of foreign people.
Welcome to [Insert Game Name Here], the hottest new game of the year. Prepare to open your hands and minds to something totally new, totally innovative, and totally new and innovative. As an eager reviewer of our game (which is the hottest game of the year), you might be a bit intimidated because of how fresh and exciting it is. It’s like when they invented electricity, but in game form! Don’t worry, that’s why this handy review guide is here, to make sure you play our game properly!
How To Appreciate Our Game
The first thing you have to understand is that nothing like this game has ever been released, and if you therefore give it a bad review based on ignorance, people will think you’re stupid. You don’t want people to think you’re stupid, do you? No, you don’t.
This game uses a unique system which we have dubbed the “cover” system. By using “cover”, players can literally avoid taking damage from enemy fire. You can pop in and out of this “cover” in order to fire back at the enemies with another interesting little addition we like to call “guns.” The innovation doesn’t stop there, however, OH no!
We’ve invented a new way of opening doors in our game. No longer a boring case of pushing a button to open a door, you now push a button several times in a row, really quickly! We also pump up the jam with special events that happen in a time that is quick. We call these events the “speedy button punch soiree” in which you hit various button combinations within strict time limits in order to do things on the screen. You won’t believe your eyes!
Combat is given a kick in the you-know-what (the ass) with a special new trick, “Time For Bullets.” In this mode, time literally slows down to a slowness, and players are able to dodge the attacks of opponents with precision and grace, while all the music sounds like you’re listening to it underwater or something. We predict that Time For Bullets will blow minds and drop jaws when it’s finally released and sent out to penetrate the unsuspecting minds of gamers around the world. You might be so unable to comprehend it, based on how new it is, that you won’t know whether you like it or not.
Spoiler: You like it!
If you don’t experience this, you’re doing it wrong.
How To Review Our Game
Please make sure to understand that our hottest video game of the year, which IGN dubbed “possibly the hottest video game of the year,” is incredibly good, and will already be getting a 9/10 from the outlet that we’ll be running an exclusive review with. Don’t look like an odd one out! Other outlets will appreciate this game, and you’ll be an outsider if you don’t do likewise. A freak, if you will. We don’t want to say that you’ll be treated like some sort of Rain Man figure in the industry for the rest of your career, but we can’t rule it out!
As you write your review, please remember that we spent five years making it, so it would be unfair to criticize us for anything. Like Josef Fritzl, we believe that time and dedication must count for something, and if you’re any sort of man, you will as well. Don’t forget, we’ve spent much longer making the game than you’ve spent playing it, so I think we know a thing or two more about the game than you do.
To get you started, here are a few helpful words that you might like to use in your review: Innovative, unique, inventive, innovative, breathtaking, amazing, gorgeous, innovative, brilliant, innovative, new, fresh, exciting, innovative, superb, ICO, innovative, graphics, clever, genius, innovative, blacklisted.
Oh sorry, did we just type “blacklisted” for some strange reason? No idea how that word got in there.
See? Like this.
How To Score Our Game
At this juncture, you may be considering the prospect of giving us a score under an 8.5 out of ten, possibly a score even lower than 8! Unless you are trolling, since it’s inconceivable that anybody could give our game a crushingly low score and sincerely mean it, we would urge you to rethink your strategy.
Did we mention the game is innovative? That deserves at least a modest, humble score of 8/10, doesn’t it? You may have an internal scoring system for your reviews, but since this game is so fresh and exciting and clever and ICO and new, you’ll need to discard it. We break all the rules and take no prisoners! Since our game will change the face of the industry forever, here’s a unique score system that you’ll need in order to judge this game:
10: Perfect game (our game most likely deserves this)
9.0 Excellent game
8.0 Pretty decent game and still good enough for a Metacritic bonus so use it if you must
7.0 Absolute shit that only games without big publishers deserve
6.0 Not used
5.0 Not used
4.0 Not used
3.0 Not used
2.0 Not used
1.0 Not used
Please consult the above chart for this title, and any future games we send you. If you’re still stuck, here’s a handy little rhyme for you: “Eight to ten, we’ll send games again, one to six, you’re a bunch of pricks.” That’ll help.
If there are any other issues, we’re following you on Twitter and Facebook, we have your email address, your home address and your phone number. There is basically no excuse for not getting our game and we’ll be on hand 24/7 to answer any question you ask, and most questions you won’t ask, too.
And Above All, Be Honest!
That’s it for our review guide, so we’ll leave you with the message that we always want your honest feedback and critique. Be clear, however, that we want the right type of honesty. The type of honesty that praises our game. After all, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar (and Jesus wrote that, so it must be true). Basically, if you praise us, we’ll be that much better equipped to make a better game.
That said, we know nothing can be perfect, even a game made by us. If you do have any legitimate quality concerns, feel free to contact us discreetly and let us know. There’s no need to put the complaints in your review, as it does a disservice to your reader and makes them too scared to try the game out for themselves, which isn’t the point.
So remember, be honest, be real, and be responsible!