In honor of Street Fighter X Tekken’s blockbuster release this month, I felt like I needed to make some sort of list for you guys to read and enjoy. Initially, my instinct was to write something about other super-cool crossovers there could be. There is no end to them, and each one is bonery-er than the last. Bonery-er?
After a while, though, I realized that this wasn’t enough. If you like games like Marvel vs. Capcom and Street Fighter X Tekken, you’re probably coming up with cooler ideas all the damn time. It’s probably one of your top five toilet seat activities. I realized that if I wrote an article like that, you guys would probably either troll me for coming up with worse ideas than the ones in your weird little journal, or just be like, “Yeah, dude. Cool. Sucks we’ll never see literally ANY of them in real life,” which is depressing.
So instead, I’ve changed my original idea so that I might do something of worth; a community service to the gamers of the world. Instead, I’m going to do something similar to a public service announcement, so that just in case they’re thinking about it, game developers can read this article and know what the sh*ttiest ideas are and why. Crossovers can be an incredible idea, but just as all rectangles aren’t squares, not all instances of two popular character stables crossing paths and trying to hurt each other are freaking incredible. Don’t believe me? Ask the dishes!
General Mills vs. Kellog Cereal
General Mills Characters: Franken Berry, Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Buzz the Bee, Chef Wendell, Sunny the Cuckoo, Chip the Wolf, Lucky the Leprechaun, Trix Rabbit, etc.
Kellog Cereal Characters: Apple, CinnaMon, Snap, Crackle, Pop, Cornelius Rooster, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, The Frosted Mini-Wheat, Dig’em Frog, etc.
Why it would never work: I know what you’re thinking. This doesn’t seem so bad at first! Everybody knows all these weirdoes, maybe not by name, but at least on sight, and they’ve been around so long that there’s years of changes and re-brandings to mine for alternate costume DLC. (Remember when Chip the Wolf was like a weird robber dog?) But then, OH YEAH, it’s still a game about a bunch of cartoons that sell CEREAL. None of them have backstories, or a world they’re from! Where would the levels be? Various breakfast tables? And also, it’s a problem that there’s usually no logical connection between the character and the product they’re selling. You’re telling me a giant talking tiger agreed to sell sugar frosted pieces of specially treated corn just because THEY’RE GREAT? He should be selling the legs and breast meat of the various creatures he’s murdered to sustain himself. And how the hell does he do a thumbs-up? Whatever. I’d still buy this game cause I love old-fashioned America, but I defy you to find even six other people who would. Also, the chef from Cinnamon Toast Crunch is named Wendell? WTF?
Zynga vs. Rovio
Zynga Characters: That red dog, the lady mayor of CityVille, the naked tattoo chick with two guns from Mafia Wars 2, the nerd from Hanging with Friends, blonde girl FarmVille farmer, dark haired male FarmVille farmer, friendly lady dictator from Empires and Allies, etc.
Rovio Characters: Red Bird, Blue Bird, Yellow Bird, Black Bird, White Bird, Green Bird, Big Brother Bird, Orange Bird, Pig, Helmet Pig, Mustache Pig, King Pig, etc.
Why it would never work: I’m not even sure I need to spell this one out for you guys. But just in case you can’t already see where this is going so well that you’re beginning to think you’re a psychic, none of the characters in these games, are characters! It’s even a stretch for me to say that some of these things are even games! They’re bland! The object of the game is sometimes interesting, but like come on! Who would buy this game where a weird, politically correct municipal worker beats the crap out of a flightless limbless bird? And stow that “oh, the birds would win” b.s., too, because any human can kill any garden variety bird with their bare hands, boringly designed hands though they may be. I’ll play Words with Friends and Angry Birds for hours, but that doesn’t mean I think they deserve any sort of culture consideration beyond exactly what they are: dumb little diversions, and not classic games.
Pixar vs. Dreamworks Animation
Pixar Characters: Woody, Buzz, Zurg, Flik, Hopper, Sully, Mike Wazowski, Marlin, Dory, Mr. Incredible, Frozone, Syndrome, Lightning McQueen, Mater, Remy and Linguini, WALL-E, EVE, Carl Fredericksen, Russel, Dug, etc.
Dreamworks Animation Characters: Z, Shrek, Donkey, Fiona, Oscar, Lenny, Alex, Marty, Melman, Gloria, RJ, Verne, Hammy, Barry B. Benson, Po, The Five, Ginormica, B.O.B, Hiccup and Toothless, Megamind, Metro Man, Puss, etc.
Why it would never work: My reasoning here is admittedly one-sided. A fighting game with the characters from the movies of Dreamworks Animation would not be so bad. Nobody would say no to watching Barry B. Benson’s whiny Seinfeld ass get the crap beat out of him by Toothless the Dragon. Wanna know why? Because no one gives a sh*t about them. Not really. It’s only when Pixar is added to the mix that people’s hearts begin to meekly tug on the corners of their cable-knit sweaters and sweetly ask them to please stop Lenny the Shark from thrashing the beloved characters from their childhood to within an inch of their lives. We care too much about Pixar characters, guys! They’re our friends! Remember the first fifteen minutes of Up? Damn that was heartwrenching. Dreamworks have admittedly been making better and better movies, but they’ve only barely begun to scratch the surface of the sort of sentimentality that we felt when something like Buzz falling down the stairs in Sid’s house happened. Keep Donkey’s goofy ass away from WALL-E. I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from crying for like twenty minutes if I had to sit through that.
Lost vs. Mad Men
Lost Characters: Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke, Hurley, Sayid, Jin, Sun, Ben, Michael, Ana Lucia, Mr. Eko, Juliet, Bernard, Rose, Polar Bear, Smoke Monster, Jacob, etc.
Mad Men Characters: Don, Peggy, Betty, Roger, Joan, Pete, Trudie, Harry, Ken, Sal, Bert, Lane, Paul, Duck, Freddy, Joey, Sally, Glenn, etc.
Why it would never work: Hmm, well, let's see here. Looking solely at Lost first, and knowing what I know about how the show ends (spoiler alert), I feel like while some characters are pretty clear cut, exactly what characters like Jack, Locke, Hurley, Jacob, and the Smoke Monster are, is something of a mystery. The fact that the show didn’t really cleanly tie up a lot of loose ends prevents me from telling you, for example, exactly what sort of powers someone like Hurley or Jacob or even Jack has as a one time ruler of the island. And don’t even get me started on who’d you even really be playing as if you picked the enigma that is John Locke. This would leave us with a pretty vague character roster unless the show-runners decided that the canon can and should be changed, explained, and clarified by a bunch of shitty fighting game cutscenes. As for Mad Men, what the hell are these guys going to do to fight the cast of Lost? Have sex with their spouses? Drink them under the table? Be racist towards them? Any way you cut it, the game would be an inescapable pile of practically literal trash.
Disney vs. Looney Tunes
Disney Characters: Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy, Pluto, Oswald, Chip, Dale, Pete, Clarabelle Cow, Horace Horsecollar, etc.
Looney Tunes Characters: Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Tweety Bird, Slyvester, Foghorn Leghorn, The Tasmanian Devil, Yosemite Sam, Marvin the Martian, Wile E. Coyote, Roadrunner, etc.
First, a history lesson. Looney Tunes and their sister series Merrie Melodies were literally created in response to the success of Disney cartoons. However, in order to differentiate themselves and seem less like the blatant rip-offs that they were, they evolved to be more surreal, violent, and crude. Basically, this crossover would fail because one set of characters is by their very design made to be more badass. Think about it! You know how hard it is to imagine Donald Duck holding a gun? Looney Tunes has two characters in their main stable (Fudd and Sam) that are literally armed at all times. Goofy’s schtick is that he constantly hurts himself, while Taz destroys everything in his path. Mickey’s concept is that he’s a lovable rascal. Wile E. Coyote’s concept is that he is constantly attempting murder so he can eat his fun-loving victim. Pitting these two franchises against each other wouldn’t just be a failure, it’d be a massacre. Let’s save ourselves from this bloodbath and make sure this game never gets made. Actually, now that I think about it, I bet some of you would love to see a game like this. Sickos.