Top Games For Lonely Gamers

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Now that Valentine’s Day is several days behind us, I realized that my last list – “Top 5 Games to Play With Your Non-Gaming Significant Other on Valentine’s Day” – probably alienated a lot of readers. After all (and I’m not poking fun) there are a lot of single gamers out there. That list was worthless to them – to you – so I thought this time I’d write the anti-list to that list. Thusly, I present: games to play when you’re feeling utterly, inconsolably alone.

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Mario Party

What better way to pick up after a rotten day than a giant party with all your friends? Obviously, the answer is a giant party with all of Mario‘s friends – and you’re invited! If you had some real friends, you could invite them over for some classic four-player mini game craziness, but let’s face it, you don’t have any friends. That’s why you’re reading this list. Shall we continue?

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Rock Band

It’s no wonder there are so many lonely gamers out there these days – you’re all a bunch of rock stars. You don’t have time for relationships, friends or school. You’ve got to concentrate on your art, and besides, you’re above all that Joe-no-one BS. As long as you remember that, you’ll revel in your aloofness. Now bust out that uber-expensive plastic guitar and rock out with your fellow superstars online. You may even learn how to actually play an instrument if you’re persistent enough.

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MAG

If you’ve got a PS3 and an internet connection (and a headset, and electricity, and eyeballs, etc.), you could definitely do worse as a lonely gamer than to pick up MAG. It literally stands for “Massive Action Game,” and unless your expectations for a game with a name like that are seriously ill-founded, you won’t be disappointed. The game pits up to 256 players against one another by dividing them up into smaller teams and units with commanding officers, grunts and every rank in between, so you’ll have no problem making friends – unless you’re a scrub when it comes to shooters.

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God of War

On second thought, wouldn’t it be easier to just pound some faces into the ground than actually trying to assimilate with other human beings? That said, society generally frowns on curb stomping your fellow citizens – best do it in a video game instead. And no electronic protagonist will match your angsty rage better than the god of war himself, Kratos. I know Poseidon doesn’t really look much like your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend (I seriously hope not at least), but you’ll no doubt get some satisfaction from poking his eyes out anyway.

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ICO

Once you’ve passed through the depression, rage and denial phases of loneliness – which I think have been covered in the above four games – you can get back to forging bonds of friendship and love with those around you. Or, if you have ICO, you can just do it in a video game. It’s much easier that way. Leading your luminescent girlfriend around by the hand as you defend her from deadly shadows and insurmountable obstacles will be much more satisfying than standing up to the clerk at Macy’s for your real girlfriend, anyway.

Let’s keep talking about our feelings – it makes me feel less lonely. What do you play when you’re feeling like the last real person in the world?