Video games that help you get your jollies off
Whether you're in the midst of puberty, or you're just a gamer that has...umm...urges, everyone has their vices. Luckily, video games are there to fuel your most disturbing thoughts. If people are into pretending they are ponies and having their hair combed, then using video games as a means stimulation isn't that crazy. There are games out there that are pretty much porn with a video game skin. Then there are video games that have a sex element to them, and people milk it for all its worth—sorry for the imagery. So here's a list of games that can help you get your jollies off.
You might be as surprised as I was, but there are people perverted enough out there that they used the creation tools to make giant, wooden people have sex. I know—they tarnished what is supposed to be a wonderful, fun, creative, and endearing game. I am emotionally scarred. If they can make Sackboy (oh god, now the name sounds awful) into a perverted degenerate, imagine what else they can do. There are multiple videos of LittleBigPlanet sex creations on YouTube, so just search there for them. I'm not posting it. I will say this: In one of the videos, it looked like that scene from Accepted where Daryl was showing off his African sculpture to Justin Long's character. So be prepared to see something like this:
Suda51—you've done it again. Releasing in March 2012, Lollipop Chainsaw has you playing as Juliet Starling (sounds like a stripper name); she's a cheerleader that fight off hordes of zombies in her old high school. The game is pretty much you staring at an around-18 girl in a cheerleader's uniform, checking out panty shots. I don't know if there will be nudity in the game yet, but judging from Suda51's other games, it's a strong possibility. If you're into creepin' at girls' panty pics, this is the game for you.
Any Dead or Alive game
Remember when Dead or Alive used to be a fighting game? Now it's just an excuse for large breasts and buttocks with bounce physics, and beach activities that can show them off. By the way, each breast has its own individual physics. Lucky us. We all know what kinda of an audience these games are meant for, and when we see someone buying a Dead or Alive game, we shake our head and wonder where we as humans went wrong.
They make some amazing RPGs, but a lot of people play through the games to just see who they can sleep with in them. Story? No, no...f**k story. Let's get some girl on girl action instead. People ruin great games when their sole purpose is to get laid in a video game. BioWare never shows nudity, and their scenes are very softcore, with petting, kissing, and occasionally pinning your mate to a wall or mattress, but people get excited by this, nonetheless.
Saints Row the Third
This is a very adult game. Yea, the nakedness is blurred out, but you know what isn't? The giant, purple dildo that you assault people with. So the dildo combined with running around naked as a female character—imagine the creepy thoughts going through someone's mind. Also, throw in some jiggle physics and a seductive dance...aaaaaand we're good. At least this game is meant to be played this way.
Shadows of the Damned
Another game from Suda51, this game has a ton of elements that just beg for your pants to be off. Paula is almost always in lingerie, you run across giant butt cheeks and boobies, and there's nothing but sexual innuendos. This game is actually fun, but it's overshadowed by its own sexual nature. If you're in the mood, and you happen to run across (literally) giant boobs? Many a lonely gamer are sure to fall victim to this.
OMG I CAN SEE A NIPPLE AND THRUSTING IN A VIDEO GAME SEX SCENE! Easy there. If you know someone who owns this game and spends hours at a time in their room with the door locked while playing it, then I need you to call 1-800-THEY-R-MASTURBATING-2-THIS-GAME. I know someone that played this game until they felt they had slept with enough prostitutes in it, then they never played it again. This is a slippery slope for video game “enthusiasts.” Just watch porn instead so we can say you're normal.
This wins the award for creepiest on the list. Do you like anime or hentai? Do you like underage anime girls (are there any other kind)? Did you ever wish there was an on-rails shooter where you could shoot pheromone arrows at underage anime girls? Well with GalGun, the kinky people of Japan have given you the means to do so. Teenage girls in tiny articles of clothing run at you, lusting for you. You should them in an erogenous zone to drop them, moaning to the ground. So yea, make them climax to get by. Shoot them in their special area with an ecstasy shot. Then you enter a special shooting mode where you shoot them in special spots on their body. The more you do so, the closer the camera moves in until they collapse in bliss.
I could not make this up. It's creepy that it's young girls, but it's even creepier that it even exists, regardless of age. Did I mention there's a tentacle monster and a mode to watch the girls bob up and down? Oh, and the pause menu disguises the game as an 8-bit RPG, pretty much admitting that this game should be kept in the deep, dark basements of masked dominatrixes.
Boobs, boobs, boobs. Lingerie. Off-screen sex. Demon orgies. Suggestive scenes. Alcohol-induced blackouts leading to more suggestive scenes and busting-out-of-their-top-boobs. Wow, if foreplay was a game, this would be it. I don't really know what to say about this game that this picture doesn't sum up.
And finally, this.
For once in my life, I don't know what to say. I'm stunned by this game, which is pretty much just computer-animated porn. Throw in some action gameplay to appeal to “gamer nerds that can't get laid” and they'll eat this shit up, right? If you are so lonely/horny/whatever that you buy this game, then you should probably be locked up in a prison, dressed like a schoolgirl, where the prisoner haven't known the touch of a woman for years.
And great news! You can pre-order it now for $34.99 and get the pre-order bonus, C3P-HO and the Golden Fist. I'm pretty sure that you can spend the same amount of money and have a real person do to you what you're going to be doing during this game.
I will not include any pics or video with this, because I don't think I can find any that is NSFW. And I'm sure as hell not going to buy it so I can take my own footage. This game comes from the bottom of the gene pool. Unless you have some disorder where only elves and orcs raw-doggin it in a video game can help you achieve climax, you have no excuse to ever play this game.
You can yell at Lance Liebl on Twitter @Lance_GZ .... or you can tell him how funny he is...up to you really.