originals\ Nov 17, 2011 at 8:59 am

Ten Reasons Why Being an Assassin in Real Life Would Be Awesome


Assassin's Creed: Revelations, our final hours with Ezio Auditore and the last Renaissance period piece in the franchise, is now on shelves and in the hands of gamers everywhere. These are gamers who enjoy doing away with the most terrible, corrupt, and vile men in history and gamers who just like stabbing Templars and the attention-grubbing lower class in the neck. Only, dare we imagine it, being an assassin in real life would be more satisfying. We wouldn't have to look to video games to pull off awesome feats, and none of the reasons below involves a dagger. Well, at least not one in somebody's jugular.

Preparing dinner would take half the time

There are better, more socially acceptable applications for the many knives and swords your bad assassin self routinely uses to immobilize enemies. For one, dinner would be as easy as mashing a button repetitively to counter and strike, counter and strike. Only now you’d peel and chop, peel and chop. No vegetable, meat, or fruit would escape unscathed. No blade in your silverware drawer would go dull. And dinner guests would be endlessly entertained at your expertise and creativity with sharp objects.

No family member would ever bring up religion and politics again... ever...

Put any of your dozens of assassination targets together in a room, and they’re bound to forge alliances or lunge for each other’s throats. Life is a little like Assassin’s Creed sometimes, and family is a little like its authority figures you’re sent to kill. If relegating them to separate rooms or, in extreme cases, states doesn’t quit their fighting, then you’ll have to quiet their tongues… permanently. We’d bet a lot of money that if your family knew an assassin was sitting at the dinner table, trying to preserve civilized conversation and the togetherness of holidays, their arguments would cool faster than the food.

You could blend in anywhere

When you’re an assassin, no faction can refuse you. That’s because you’ve just either killed a whole lot of people, donated a whole lot of money, or you’re united by your common hatred of bad government. In real life, you don’t have to worry about giving cash or spilling blood. Just tell them what you do for a living, and no one will mess with you. If they remain unconvinced, just remind them of how many other trained assassins with a 100% success rate they know and they’ll rethink your proposal.

Not to mention, you’ll never feel out of place. Not looking or acting the part has never been a problem for Altair or Ezio, so you don’t need to buy the right clothes or even speak to fit in with a particular crowd.

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You'd have more money than you can count

Life as an assassin comes with certain perks. One of these benefits is the unlimited potential to expand your bank account through pickpocketing. You’ll also fetch a fair price for taking on the odd assassination job. Once you have more money than good sense, you can purchase pretty works of art, renovate shops and landmarks, decorate your pad, or do any other number of activities that require little thought and loads of cash. And keeping in mind that you’re a licensed killer, everyone will grant you a refund per your request. No threats or dramatic displays of violence are necessary.

Traveling would be infinitely more interesting

Imagine never having to pay for another plane ticket or cab ride or having to pump gas into your "baby" and praying she can make it up that hill, tires and all. Yeah, an assassin’s means of transportation is so much simpler. Just borrow somebody else’s car and jack another one if it breaks down. Or sprint over rooftops to avoid early morning or evening traffic. You don’t even need to fuss with climbing down step-by-step. Just swan dive into a conveniently placed hay bale (or the closest substitute, like some nice trimmed hedges) and you’re where you need to be, only faster.

Your ancestors would be cool and important

Maybe you were raised in a family known for its excellence in growing potatoes. Now, there’s nothing wrong with potato farmers or potatoes. Everybody likes boiling and mashing and putting potatoes in stew, as one clever hobbit degenerate once observed, but maybe you think you could do a little better than a legacy of misshapen brown vegetables. As an assassin, the entire course of history is open to your perusal. You can relive the Italian Renaissance or any other key historical era as any one of your dozens of cool and deadly assassin ancestors. Relive their memories, play out their lives, and then wake up and eat a potato.

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Women would understand you

… And put on too few layers of clothing for you, and encircle you as a “distraction.” That’s right. Life as an assassin entitles you to enlist all sorts of help, and sometimes life calls for the aid of the opposite sex. Face it. If talking to girls is scary, you can always mention you’re an assassin and oh, look at all these big battle scars, and they’ll fall all over you.  You won’t have to say another word, because the whores—ahem, the women of Assassin’s Creed like to please.

If you happen to be a girl assassin, let’s just say you could compare male suitors by the length of their swords.

Life would consist of side quests

Even an everyday task as menial as shopping could be made at least two times more interesting if you were an assassin. You’d be challenged to fill your cart and make it out of the store in a short spurt of time, all while maneuvering around crazy shoppers and bypassing long checkout lines. You’ve been to Wal-Mart, right? It’s a fight for survival and understocked discount items. Being an assassin would mean you could push right back and whip out some throwing knives if the crowds don’t cooperate. Okay, so we definitely lied about this no “daggers in the jugular” thing.


You’d always win at capture-the-flag

Assassins like Altair and Ezio have more experience in collecting flags, feathers, and other useless objects than anyone else.  Luckily for you, that invaluable skill has been passed down with each generation. While it’s trivial, you’re practically guaranteed to win at Easter egg contests and similar treasure hunts, and you’ll never misplace your keys again.

At the least, you’d make an excellent news reporter

All those years spent eavesdropping on targets will come in handy in more mainstream jobs, too. An assassin’s natural gift for stealth and physical “encouragement” will make no conversation off limits and no witness reluctant to talk. No building is impregnable and no guards are too strong to stop you, master assassin and cub reporter. Now get out there and win yourself a Pulitzer.

About The Author
Stephanie Carmichael Twitter: @wita
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