Movie releases for March 2012

John Carter (2012)  - 964610

March is full of blockbuster movie releases, but are they all worth seeing?  Luckily, I'm here to give you my honest opinion of whether they're worth seeing or if you should do something else with hard earned cash.  My opinion is based solely on news and research I've done about the movies, their trailers, buzz surrounding it, and whether or not I think it looks cool.  Last month, I think my predictions/ratings were fairly accurate.  So here's the March 2012 movies and what I think of them.

Scoring Guide:

bill murrayBill Murray: Every month we will have a must see movie.  If you are only going to see one movie this month, this is the one you should see.  Of course, Bill Murray is the symbol for all that is awesome and excellent, so his face is what we associate with the movie of the month.

han soloHan Solo: What's not to love? He's a charming scoundrel and one of the best movie characters ever. Everyone (except the Hutts) loves Han Solo. For excellent movies with tons of deserving hype that are must-see, they get assigned the Han Solo. When you say "I loved it," after seeing this movie, I'll just say, "I know."

Liam Neeson TakenLiam Neeson (Taken): This character kicks ass, much like the movies we assign this to. Movies with this score are definitely worth seeing, but could be held off until they're available for rental or download. As long as you see it eventually, you're good. These movies are known to throat-chop their way into your heart.

lord voldemortLord Voldemort: While the final Harry Potter was loved by many people, the final battle and some of the choices in the movie left people wanting more from it. Movies with this rating are good movies worthy of your time and money, but you may walk away disappointed.  Most recommened as a rental.

Nicolas Cage Wicker Man beesNicolas Cage in Wicker Man: I can't, in good conscience, recommend seeing a movie with this rating. Odds are that it's going to be pretty bad, be it story or acting.  Only fanboys of the genre, director, writer, or actor might enjoy it.  This is much like the Wicker Man — so bad it becomes funny. "They're in my eyes!" No Mr. Cage, they are not in your eyes, but these movies might be bad enough for you to want to scream the same thing.

twilightTwilight: An abomination to cinema. Do not see movies with this rating. I'm sorry to even include these movies or this picture, but you must be warned. If you see these movies, you be rendered an emotionless, catatonic, zombie — much like Kristen Stewart.

 

 

Movie Releases

Friday March 2, 2012

Dr. Seuss' The Lorax

Continuing the popular trend of turn Dr. Seuss books into movies, The Lorax looks truly entertaining.  It's aimed toward kids, but looks enjoyable enough for adults, as well.  We follow the journey of a 12-year-old as he searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams — trees.  To find the trees, he discovers the story of the Lorax, a grumpy, yet charming, creature who fights to protect his world.  Danny DeVito, Ed Helms, Taylor Swift, and Zac Efron lend their voices to the film.  Kids used to eat Zac Efron up, now it's 30-something year old moms eating him up.  His abs won't be on display for all the women not getting that loving feeling at home, but maybe the Lorax's mustache will replace it nicely.

Rating:

Liam Neeson Taken

Project X

Yay!  Another first-person, found footage style movie!  This generation of teenagers/almost-off-to-collegers is a lot weaker than when I was in high school.  We had American Pie — one of the best end of high school movies you will ever see, let's not talk about the sequels, though.  While in college, Superbad was released for my brother's class.  Again, it was hilarious.  Now we have Project X.  It's like Hollywood thinks there needs to be a found footage film for every genre.  For a comedy, this movie doesnt' look funny at all.  It's just chaos, which is what it's going for, but it looks like it is trying way to hard.  It's almost like MTV decided to make a movie about everything they hold dearly — teenagers doing drugs, drinking, nudity, crashing cars into pools, huge parties, and spray tans.  Oh look!  A dog in a bounce house!  So funny!  Project X is supposed to be a warning to parents and police everywhere.  I am warning you that this movie is going to be bad.

Rating:

Nicolas Cage Wicker Man bees

Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

I'm not even going to waste my time writing a paragraph about this waste of a movie.  The show sucks, so I'm sure the movie will suck.  If you do nothing other than embrace 420, then please, be my guest.  I would to consume mounds of cocaine and bottles of scotch to even think about seeing this movie.

Rating:

twilight

Friday March 9, 2012

John Carter

Our Bill Murray of the month!  My mind has been blown since the very first trailer was shown.  I'm a huge Taylor Kitsch fan (love love LOVE Friday Night Lights), and I think the cast is remarkable.  Willem Dafoe, Bryan Cranston, and Lynn Collins accompany Kitsch in this Disney film based on the classic sci-fi novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, the Barsoom series.  His imaginative adventures inspired many filmmakers, and now, he gets to inspire movie-goers.  Kitsch plays a former military captain, John Carter, who inexplicably gets transported to Mars.  He gets thrown into the middle of a conflict amongst the inhabitants of the planet, which include Princess Dejah Thoris.  Mars is on the brink of collapse, and John Carter must rediscover his humanity in order to save Barsoom and its people.  The visuals are amazing, the plot looks outstanding, and I'm predicting sequels, making this the next Lord of the Rings-esque trilogy that fantasy fans will get hooked on.  This is definitely a must see.

Rating:

bill murray

Seeking Justice

Well, Nicolas Cage is back to fill his monthly movie quota.  Surprisingly, the worst thing about this trailer isn't Cage's acting — it's his goatee.  Shave it, man.  Anyways, this is a secret society/organization movie where Cage is being set up because he won't cooperate in shady activities with the people who helped him get the person that assaulted his wife.  He shows emotion, some range, and it looks like his hairline remains in a stable position throughout the movie.  The plot looks decent, but it's a little rehashed.  You could do worse this month.

Rating:

lord voldemort

Silent House

Who would've thought that an Olsen can act?  Elizabeth Olsen, a.k.a. the one that's not a train wreck, stars in this horror/thriller that is presented as a single, uninterrupted shot.  In the movie, Olsen finds herself sealed in her family's secluded lake house; panic turns to terros as events become increasingly ominous around the house.  I'm going to admit, this movie intrigues me, but the whole presence/psychological thriller while trapped in a house has been done so many times — and unsuccessfully most of those times.  The presentation as a single take is what the movie has going for it, and Olsen does look to show off her acting chops in this movie.  I'd say it's going to be really good, or completely miss the mark.

Rating:

lord voldemort

Friday March 16, 2012

21 Jump Street

Oh dear.  I'll start off by saying that Jonah Hill is usually good for some solid laughs, regardless of the movie.  Channing Tatum should be decent.  Did I mention that Ron Swanson is in it?  Well, it's not Ron Swanson, but the actor that plays him.  The problem with the movie is going to be the premise itself.  I never thought the tv show was that good, so why did Hollywood decide to revive it as a comedy movie?  They took the Starsky and Hutch approach.  Take a cop show and make it a comedy.  I'm predicting a few laughs, and it will be watchable, but I think waiting for rental or Netflix will probably be best.

Rating:

lord voldemort

Casa de mi Padre

Ron Swanson — I mean Nick Offerman — makes an appearance for the second time this March.  Casa de mi Padre is the latest Will Ferrell film, and it's mostly in Spanish.  It looks like a mix of a strange SNL skit and Nacho Libre.  I really think this movie is going to be awesome in a really offbeat way, but I don't think a lot of people are going to give it a chance.  It's a very odd film, and I'm struggling to identify the audience for it.  I know I'll see it — not in the theater, but it'll be one that I rent.  Will Ferrell as a Mexican rancher in a war against a drug lord is too strange of a mix to not see.

Rating:

lord voldemort

Friday March 23, 2012

The Hunger Games

This movie has been insanely hyped for a year, with a lot of help from MTV.  The Hunger Games is being hailed as the next Twilight — or at least the next series of movies that Twilight fans should get hooked on and provide a cult following for.  Then Hunger Games looks like a powerful movie that will live up to the hype.  Everyone that has read the book says it's a really strong story, and the trailers seem to provoke a sense of tension and urgency for our heroine.  It looks like Katniss is a hero that we can really get behind.  Think of this as a more mature teen movie.  There will be death and violence.  There will be love and drama.  And there will be soldout theaters across the country.

Rating:

han solo

The Raid: Redemption

Did you watch the trailer?  No?  If you didn't, click on it and watch it, because it looks f**king awesome.  I usually don't go for martial arts/Crouching Tiger movies like this, but I'm predicting this as one of the most entertaining action movies of the year.  20 Elite cops ascending up a building full of criminals, only to have the tables turned on them and become the ones being hunted.  Criminals are given free reign to dispose of this unit, and by god, these cops are going to put up one helluva fight.  If you're worried about subtitles, you're doing it wrong.  You don't see this movie for the plot; you see it for the insane melee fights that are going to break out over the course of the entire movie.

Rating:

Liam Neeson Taken

Friday March 30, 2012

Mirror Mirror

I watched the trailer, and then I had a strange urge to drink a bottle of drain-o.  I really can't even describe the awfulness that happens in this re-telling of Snow White.  Julia Roberts — wtf are you doing with your career?  Puppy love potion?!  Really?  You read this script and you thought that it would be a great idea to make this?  There's the right well to tell Snow White, like in Once Upon a Time, or the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman.  Then, there's this way to do it.  Mirror Mirror on the wall, this movie is the reason that Chris Brown ______ Rihanna (you know where I'm going with that).  I don't care if it's geared more towards kids, this movie is a waste of money.  If you are considering taking your child to see this, just buy the Disney Snow White movie instead.

Rating:

twilight

Wrath of the Titans

I may be one of the few people that enjoyed Clash of the Titans — the remake, not the original; I mean, I liked the original too, but the remake got a bad rap.  Wrath of the Titans looks... titanic.  Liam Neeson/Zeus promises us in the trailer that it will be chaos, and it doesn't look like he's lying.  Regardless of my hatred for 3D, this movie is going to be an action-packed, two hour orgasm of amazing fights and visuals.  The entire male demographic will enjoy this.  Ladies, we've had to sit through those New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day movies, so you can bear with us through this one.

Rating:

han solo

That's all the room I got for this month, but I wanted to mention some other movies worthy of your time this month.  Intruders features Clive Owen and is a evil presence/creature in a house film.  It's iffy whether it's going to be good or not.  Playback is a horror movie that you must go out of your way to avoid.  Goon is a hockey comedy with Seann William Scott, and it looks like it could provide a few good laughs.  Jeff, Who Lives at Home is with Jason Segal and Ed Helms, and I wish I could talk about it more, but in short, I think it's going to be an emotional, subtley funny, and awesome film.  Lastly, there's the documentary, The Island President.  It looks like an amazing documentary, and it follows President Mohamed Nasheed of the Maldives.  He brings democracy there, but he's faced with the challenge of rising ocean levels due to glabal warming, and a rise of three feet will submerge his entire nation.  This is a must-see in my opinion.

See ya next month.

If you wanna talk movies at you, feel free to @Lance_GZ on Twitter or comment below.

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Lance Liebl Gamer, Disney enthusiast, opinionated sports fan, movie buff, and a father of two. You can follow Lance on Twitter @Lance_GZ.
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Games: John Carter (2012)

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