GameZone's Naughty and Nice List
He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Okay, well that's creepy. He know if you've been bad or good. Enough of that. Who decided that the face of elderly obesity should decide who's naughty and who's nice? I'm just as qualified as Santa to decide who deserves presents and who deserves coal. I've got a list. Heck, I'll even check it twice (it's called proofreading). Here's who makes our naughty and nice lists.
Seriously Duke? Years, upon years, upon years in development and this is the best we get? There are not enough adjectives in the English language to describe how bad your game was; I'm forced to make one up. Priktocious (my adjective is open to tweaking if you can think of one that's better). Being a bad game didn't land you on the Naughty List; everyone has an off year or ten. Your expansion pokes fun at Call of Duty. Still that wasn't the naughty kicker. What landed you in a coalmine of naughty is that you charged $10 for DLC that should've been gifted as a big thank you to anyone that bought your game.
I don't know what happened to you, Hulk. I used to like you. Then I played Hulk Hogan's Main Event for the Kinect. It was a worse experience than the past five years of your marriage and family life. I've seen better wrestling from you wrestling your conscience when you're applying lotion to your daughter's back. NOTHING WORKS IN YOUR GAME! I know that you didn't make the game, but you sure as hell gave the go-ahead to the title and your likeness. Shame on you Hulkster. Put your shirt back on. And lose the bandana, it's making everyone feel uneasy at this point.
My goodness...the profanities that come out of your mouth. Johnson is from the Suda51 game Shadows of the Damned. He is a demon-gun-crazy-personality-wannabe-gangster-talking-skull-pottymouth-phonesex-addict. I was going to put him on the Nice List at first, mainly because he sticks by his friend, Garcia Hotspur, time and time again. It's just...the one-liners are awful. Soooooooo bad. What really cemented his place on the Naughty List was that atrocious rap after the credits.
Y U NO HAVE NEW GAME? That's my beef with Mega Man. He got left high and dry by Capcom. How are you not making a Mega Man Legends 3?! GET HIM OFF THE MOON!!!
Vincent Brooks from Catherine is the naughtiest person of all, but in the most awesomely naughty way possible. Even when you play him as nice of a guy as he can be, he's still a douchebag. When you play him as naughty as possible, he's the king of the underworld and has orgies with demon/succubus women. He takes hair styling advice from Robert Pattinson, and he grows that d-bag beard that makes him look like he doesn't care, but he works so hard to keep it at that length. Granted, I give him props for being able to score with two women, even if one *SPOILER ALERT* was sent to kill him essentially, but he's easily the naughtiest person in gaming for 2011.
Batman worked his tail off ridding Arkham City of crime. Bane, the Riddler, the Penguin, the Joker, Mr. Freeze, Scare Crow...need I go on? He takes a beating and never backs down. You know Santa is a fan of his, and I am too. Bruce Way...I mean Batman, has earned his place on the Nice List until a sequel to Arkham City comes out. Heck, one site gave it an 11 out of 10. That's as nice as you can get!
Naughty Dog sure did make Nathan Drake easy on the eyes, right ladies? This dreamboat starred in the spectacular Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception, giving me a reason to use my Playstation 3 again. With his chiseled jaw, bedroom eyes...okay, this is starting to read like a love letter. NO, I DIDN'T PUT NATHAN DRAKE ON THE NICE LIST BECAUSE I HAVE A MANCRUSH ON HIM! He has a great freakin' game. Final.
Captain Price uses naughty, questionable methods to get the job done, but he does it defending freedom and stopping terrorism. He's a good guy! Yea, all of his buddies die in the process, but he gets Vladimir Makarov in the end. How awesome was that last level? He just willed himself to victory! As if that wasn't enough, he has the best Civil War mustache ever! Nice!
OMFG Bioware, I was going to put you as the nicest of all. You announced Mass Effect 3 with co-op multiplayer. If that isn't enough to make everyone pee their pants then I don't know what is. Not only that, but they pretty much decided to let everyone into their beta for Star Wars: the Old Republic. Heck, just them making this game put them on the Nice List. Is there anyone that isn't excited to play SWTOR? Didn't think so. (If you raised your hand, you are dead to me. Don't expect a gift. Better yet, expect fruit cake.) Thank you Bioware, for all of your hard work and the great games you are giving to us...for $60 each...with a monthly paid subscription. Worth it.
That's right gaming community, YOU are the nicest of all this year! Why? Mainly because I want all of you to get the games that you desire this holiday season. That reminds me, Amanda (my wife), subscription cards for Star Wars: the Old Republic would be great! I could also use a new gaming mouse, and it just so happens that Razer just announced a Star Wars: the Old Republic mouse--don't worry, it's only $140. Anyways, like I said, you're nice because I want you to have games, blah blah blah. Except you guys that fueled the Modern Warfare 3 vs Battlefield 3 flame war on N4G for the last four months. All of you deserve Rudolph's cheery crap in your stocking. You made me hate gaming for a while...shame on you.
Make my Christmas wish come true and follow me on Twitter @Lance_GZ