5 Video Game Weapons with the Greatest Capacity for Self-Injury
Weapons are cool. This is a universal truth. As much as mankind may strive for peace, love, and understanding, it will never not be awesome to see some hacking through a crowd of guys with a BFS (Big Fucking Sword.) In real life, however, weapons are restricted by their practicality. Fortunately for us, this is not the case in video games. Video game weapons range from the simple (a crowbar) to the absurd (the cerebral bore from Turok 2. You know, the one that makes dudes heads explode. It was awesome). And as much as we would like to have all of these weapons in real life, I’m here to tell you that that is a terrible idea. Below you will find a breakdown of 5 really cool video game weapons..... that would kill you as soon as you tried to use it.
5. Soul Edge (Soul Caliber Series)
This is the first of two entries on this list from the Soul Caliber series, which is more full bizarre weapons than the locker of that weird kid at school who dressed like the joker for three weeks. Just look at it:
Also, it appears to be made out of flesh. And that is gross.
4. Fat Man (Fallout 3)
If you are anything like me, you’ve often thought to yourself “You know, the only real problem that I can see with nuclear weapons is that I can’t carry them around and throw them at people that I don’t like.” Well, fret no more. Ladies and Gentledudes, the Fat Man:
3. Lancer (Gears of War)
“Hey Jerry, I need to come up with a new weapon for this videogame.” “What’s wrong with guns? Guns are cool.” “Yeah, but this needs to be super cool.” “Umm.... could you just, like, strap a sword to a gun?” “No, someone already did that. It’s called a gun-blade.” “Oh. Shit. Uh, how about, like, a gun that shoots guns?” “Come on, Jerry.” “Oh! I’ve got it. A gun that is also a chainsaw.”
2. Ivy’s Whip-Sword (Soul Caliber Series)
A common element of video game weapon design, as evidenced above, is simply combing two already-awesome things to make one really awesome thing, which is great in theory, but doesn’t really ever produce anything even remotely practical. And yet, whoever made the Soul Caliber games surely thought to himself “people like swords. People like whips. Whip-sword!” And thus, Ivy and her whip-sword her born.
1. Portal Gun (Portal)
I know, I know, the portal gun seems harmless enough. In fact, it even seems like it would be practical. You gotta get somewhere fast? Just shoot yourself a portal. Need to jump a gap? Just portal yourself across. Not taking into account it’s somewhat menacing design...