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5 Video Game Weapons with the Greatest Capacity for Self-Injury

Weapons are cool. This is a universal truth. As much as mankind may strive for peace, love, and understanding, it will never not be awesome to see some hacking through a crowd of guys with a BFS (Big Fucking Sword.) In real life, however, weapons are restricted by their practicality. Fortunately for us, this is not the case in video games. Video game weapons range from the simple (a crowbar) to the absurd (the cerebral bore from Turok 2. You know, the one that makes dudes heads explode. It was awesome). And as much as we would like to have all of these weapons in real life, I’m here to tell you that that is a terrible idea. Below you will find a breakdown of 5 really cool video game weapons..... that would kill you as soon as you tried to use it.

5. Soul Edge (Soul Caliber Series)

This is the first of two entries on this list from the Soul Caliber series, which is more full bizarre weapons than the locker of that weird kid at school who dressed like the joker for three weeks. Just look at it:

OH GOD. IT KNOWS.

Yeah. This is a sword that is actively malicious. It not only drains your life force from you when you try to use it, but it also probably sleeps with your wife and cuts the brakes on your car while you are sleeping. And when it’s not plotting to ruin your life, it’s just straight up giving you the stink-eye.

Also, it appears to be made out of flesh. And that is gross.

4. Fat Man (Fallout 3)

If you are anything like me, you’ve often thought to yourself “You know, the only real problem that I can see with nuclear weapons is that I can’t carry them around and throw them at people that I don’t like.” Well, fret no more. Ladies and Gentledudes, the Fat Man:

Clearly, nothing could possibly go wrong with this.

The Fat Man is literally just some rails and a trigger, from which you launch tiny nuclear bombs. It should be stressed that a tiny nuclear bomb is still a fucking nuclear bomb. Maybe in the would of Fallout 3 they’re used to radiation, but in our world, if people went around using these to settle their problems, we’d all have radiation sickness faster than you can say “look out bro, I just launched a nuclear bomb at your goddamn face.”

3. Lancer (Gears of War)

“Hey Jerry, I need to come up with a new weapon for this videogame.” “What’s wrong with guns? Guns are cool.” “Yeah, but this needs to be super cool.” “Umm.... could you just, like, strap a sword to a gun?” “No, someone already did that. It’s called a gun-blade.” “Oh. Shit. Uh, how about, like, a gun that shoots guns?” “Come on, Jerry.” “Oh! I’ve got it. A gun that is also a chainsaw.”

Mathematically proven to be the coolest thing ever.

“I dunno if that makes sense, man.” “No, think about it. You could shoot a guy, and then chainsaw him.” “Don’t those things run on gas? Wouldn’t it just, I dunno, explode?” “What? Who cares. It’s a chainsaw gun.” “....Yeah, alright. F**Thk it.”

2. Ivy’s Whip-Sword (Soul Caliber Series)

A common element of video game weapon design, as evidenced above, is simply combing two already-awesome things to make one really awesome thing, which is great in theory, but doesn’t really ever produce anything even remotely practical. And yet, whoever made the Soul Caliber games surely thought to himself “people like swords. People like whips. Whip-sword!” And thus, Ivy and her whip-sword her born.

…..

If you’ll tak a look at the above photo, you’ll see that, uh.... umm.... I, wow.... uh... *ahem* sorry about that. Got distracted for a moment. Anyways, you’ll see that it is a sword, that can break apart into a whip-like thingy. This seems great, until you consider that whips are really hard to use. Factor in the blade, and you won’t be Indiana Jones, you’ll just be Indiana DEAD.

1. Portal Gun (Portal)

I know, I know, the portal gun seems harmless enough. In fact, it even seems like it would be practical. You gotta get somewhere fast? Just shoot yourself a portal. Need to jump a gap? Just portal yourself across. Not taking into account it’s somewhat menacing design...

Seriously, the thing has claws.

...It still seems like mostly harmless fun, until you consider one thing: Momentum is a bitch. Say you drop a portal on the floor and jump through, launching yourself out of a wall. There’s only one way for you to stop: by colliding with something, probably really really hard. In the game, you always land on your feet. In real life? Not so much.

Dont_panic
Eric Zipper Eric Zipper is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles. When he's not making you laugh, playing video games, or watching movies, he's probably sleeping. Follow him on Twitter @erzip
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