5 ways that gaming might end the world in 2012
"Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. River and seas boiling. 40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria." -- Dr. Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddmore, and Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters 1984
It's 2012, and the world is heading down a long-winding, craptastic path towards what is ultimately our doom. There's, like, 18 different ways the world is going to end come December 2012. Oddly enough, none of them are gaming related – until now. You can thank me for the extra paranoia after you read the five ways gaming might end the world in 2012.
5. Blizzard, in a last ditch effort to keep the king of MMORPG crown, launches its stash of dirty bombs, causing a nuclear winter and ending all life on Earth. Declining numbers and SWTOR knocking on its backdoor causes them to panic and do this. It's Blizzard – they have so much money that they probably own a country. Is it that unlikely that they also have a stash of WMDs? However, with a SCII expansion and Diablo III on its way, I think they'd rather have the money from those.
Probability of happening: 2%
4. Mega Man gets off the moon – and he's pissed. After being abandoned and feeling rejected by Capcom, and seeing his fans not do nearly enough to save him, he returns with vengeance. There's only one thing on his mind, and it's bloodshed. Mega Man gets dark, like Christopher Nolan style, and he won't stop killing until he sits on a a throne made of our skulls that reaches the moon...ironic, right?
Probability of happening: 15%
3. CliffyB gets upset that a game he is 115% behind gets rated a 9 out of 10. With years of built-up anger behind him, he unleashes his true power and transforms into an all-powerful demon wielding a Lancer. He rules a fiery brimstone Earth where you either rate games whatever he thinks they should be rated, or you get something done to your butt that involves a Lancer, a pineapple, a lingerie-wearing prison guard, and bottles and bottles of lube...use your imagination.
Probability of happening: 20%
2. Capcom releases a million more variations of Marvel vs Capcom 3. This causes a wave of Capcom fighting games to flood Earth, from which no one can escape. Entire continents are swallowed by the wave of game boxes rolling across the surface of our planet. This is the most biblical in nature, because everyone knows that God loves Street Fighter. If only Capcom went DLC with this content...if only they went DLC...
Probability of happening: 35%
1. Call of Duty vs Battlefield marketing hits new heights – and lows. Activision and EA go all in for their next marketing war, but they sink to new lows for what is acceptable behavior. With EA calling out Activision for their lack of realistic multiplayer gameplay, Activision runs a marketing campaign in which they fund a real war in third-world countires under the tagline, “How's this for realism, Battlefield?” Not to be outdone, EA hires ex-KGB operatives to steal US nuclear launch codes and brags in the media that they did it better than Black Ops. Activision respons by saying that they would've tried harder with their last few games but was too busy banging EA's mom.
Feeling that Activision went too far with that comment, EA releases the launch codes to all of the enemies of the US, which then launch the WMDs at all of the major world powers. EA gets out one last headline and insult to Activision: “A bit better than the shock value Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare explosion.” Needless to say, they destroy all of humanity, over what is essentially a 'who has the bigger dong' contest.
Probability of happening: 90% (ya gotta admit, this is more likely than any 2012 doomsday scenario that's out there...Planet X? REALLY?)
You can follow Lance Liebl on Twitter @Lance_GZ Get me to 1,000,000 followers before December 21, 2012 and all of my followers will enter for a chance to win the top 10 games of 2012, shipping on December 22. Disclaimer: If in fact the world doesn't end, I would like to point out that this is a joke, much like the probability of me reaching 1,000,000 followers.