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5 Reasons Why the Nintendo 3DS is Totally Boned

You've probably heard of Nintendo's recent fire sale on the Nintendo 3DS, the company having finally realized that the novelty of a 3D Zelda game appeals little to us recession-minded consumers, especially now that the majority of household budgets are dedicated to bare essentials such as food; transportation costs; and the purchase of makeshift riot gear so we can properly defend ourselves against violent bands of bloodthirsty marauders following the inevitable financial apocolypse.  


Though these people stand to lose everything when the Euro fails,  their main concern is whether MW3 is better than Battlefield.

So the 3DS is now $80 cheaper, and the people who bought the thing for it's absurd original $250 price point are now "ambassadors," which is a rather Orwellian way of trying to turn those collective sufferers of buyer's remorse into proud 3DS swilling automatons.

Also: we have always been at war with Eastasia.

So maybe one of your buddies owns a Nintendo 3DS, and maybe he's even been harping in your ear about the console's ensured longevity. "Good times ahead!" he tells you. "No better time to pick one up!" Sadly, despite the enthusiasm of the rabid Nintendo fanboys (who you should probably stop hanging out with), it's becoming very obvious that the Nintendo 3DS is completely boned, and that no big-name name or awkward analog attachment will be able to save it.

Why you ask? Well, read on!

I spent an absurd amount of time playing the original Monster Hunter Freedom for PSP, and frankly, I find it ridiculous that I managed to log several hundred hours in the game despite the complete lack of online play. I actually had to truck down to the local game store every Wednesday, where me and my buddies would link up ad-hoc style and wirelessly murder dinosaurs with a great and powerful vengeance.

If you've never played the game, that's really all you do. You murder dinosaurs, rip the bones and essential organs from their still-warm carcasses, then hand this giant rotting pile of meat and flesh over to the blacksmith, who somehow turns it into a giant hammer shaped like a cat wearing a chef's hat. It is also impossible to buy any armor for your female character that doesn't totally show off her panty-clad ass every time she performs even the most minor of actions.

There's a healing herb in this bush you say? Well I'd better just bend over and grab that... mmm...


A collection of upskirt photos from the game. Worse, it's not the work of some anonymous pervert but goddamn FAMITSU MAGAZINE.

The point is, the game is f**king fun as hell, and it would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to hang out in a mall food court in order to play with my friends. As much as I love having my cultural heritage insulted by the "real Italian" taste of Sbarros, the Chinese guy screaming "free sample!" and offering us a plate of toothpicks jammed into sticky mystery meats really interferes with our tactical planning. 

This is why I was happy for the new console generation, which I was sure would include a fully fleshed out Monster Hunter game which I could play online with my friends. Instead, Nintendo offered Capcom a metric butt-ton of money to put the game on the underpowered Wii, ensuring that it would suck. Who needs HD graphics and a competent friend-finding service when you've got muddy component video and FRIEND CODES!? Oh yeah baby!


Sometimes I get the feeling the Monster Hunter blacksmith is just phoning it in. 

Anyhow, there's going to be an enhanced port of this crappy Monster Hunter game coming to the 3DS. Even more exciting is the recent announcement that Monster Hunter 4 will also be for the 3DS, because again, it makes perfect sense to put the most fun game ever on the shittiest console possible. Both of these games will suck balls, and I can only imagine how much money Nintendo had to offer Capcom to convince them to ruin this awesome franchise. Monster Hunter is ready for the big leagues, and Nintendo's underpowered consoles simply can't handle anything more than something that plays like a first-generation PSP port.

Not to mention that the games will probably come with one of the most awkward peripherals ever invented by man, the slide-pad.


Jesus hell look at that stupid thing.

I heard that Nintendo is making it so that if you boot up the 3DS with a slide-pad attached, a little Satoru Iwata Mii shows up, profusely apologizes for an hour, then commits digital seppuku.

It's a Japanese thing. They're a very polite people.

I remember playing Chrono Trigger as a kid, having the very distinct thought that "If I could play this on my Gameboy, I'd be the happiest kid in the world." It was at that very moment that I cursed portable gaming forever, my childish excitement apparently snatched from the air by Nintendo scientists, who declared "THE CHILD WANTS PORTS! WE SHALL MAKE IT SO!"

Ports suck. Ports are just games that I've already played, which I can now play on something different. It's like eating an Eggo waffle off the red plate in your kitchen, and your roommate tells you "Dude! You can eat an Eggo waffle off the blue plate now!" And you say, "What the hell, how is that any different? It's still just a waffle, it tastes the exact same."

This waffle metaphor is admittedly awful. I'm honestly just in the mood for waffles.


I desire this waffle more than I desire Nintendo's awful portable console.

Ports have their place, letting us re-play some of our favorites from the past, or try out old classics we missed the first time around, often with some cool new content to boot. It is fine to like ports. The problem is that some people love ports - the kind of people who actively blow their loads dreaming of the day Final Fantasy VII gets an HD remake. These people are actively ruining my videogame industry.

When you use your wallet to tell Nintendo "Gee shucks I can't wait to pay $300 goddamn dollars to play Ocarina of Time again," they listen to that shit! They say: "Hey, did you hear senior editor Michael Splechta of GameZone.com is willing to shell out absurd amounts of his human money in order to play crappy remakes of decade old games?" That information gets passed around the office, eventually culminating in a boardroom meeting where everyone is screaming out ideas of what else this unfortunate man-child might be willing to blow another forty bucks on, eventually culminating in the whole office pounding shots of Everclear and hollering "STARFOX SIXTY FOURRRRRRR!"


This cool dude bought a Nintendo 3DS at launch. Who's ready to party?

What I'm trying to say is, there's only so many Michael Splechtas in the world. The rest of us want more than 3D remakes of N64 games and an e-shop littered with roms. We want waffles.

Let's be brutally honest, none of us really give half a crap about 3D. It's kind of cool, and "kind of cool" isn't the kind of sentiment that sells thousand dollar televisions. My personal experience with 3D was the terrible, damned headache I got trying to watch James Cameron's Pocahontas 20XX, and though it didn't help that I got absolutely Avatarded before showing up to the screening, I had an awful enough time that I now refuse to watch any more 3D schlock until that 3D porn movie they made in Hong Kong makes it stateside. 


I am prepared to masturbate to this so furiously my ween falls off.

Point is, the 3D hype was a bunch of BS dreamed up by the movie studios as a way to try and justify selling $15 movie tickets. Yet, the boys at Nintendo somehow thought they could ride this wave of non-excitement all the way to profit town. The truth is, 3D is a stupid novelty that definitely wasn't worth $250, and it probably isn't even worth $170. Too much focus was spent on a feature which most people are going to turn on for a minute, go "well that looks kind of cool" and then immediately turn off again, and I can also only speculate about how much of a developer's time is wasted making sure the 3D looks right, just so that no one can ever pay attention to it. 

Hell, a recent study showed that 22% of 3DS gamers think that the 3D actually detracts from the gaming experience. And they're right! Any amount of time spent on this stupid brain-trickery 3D nonsense is less time spent on making a good game. This is why we have Steel Diver. Because I've been sitting around for the last 15 years thinking, "Man! When is someone going to make a shittier 3D version of In The Hunt?"


In the Hunt is like Metal Slug with submarines. It is more awesome than every single Nintendo 3DS game combined.

If 3D Graphics don't make shitty games any better, what purpose do they really serve? And if the only exciting thing about 3D graphics is the fact that they look kind of cool for a minute before I turn them off and play the game like a respectable human being - then who the hell thought that was worth two hundred and fifty goddamn dollars?  

Whenever I have a shitty day and start feeling bad for myself, I take a look at my iPhone and realize I am a goddamn jackass for ever complaining about anything. I mean, right now there are people in third-world countries that are so hungry they would probably murder me and my entire extended family for the half-finished bag of stale Funyuns jammed beneath the passenger seat of my car.


For a long time, I didn't even understand that Funyuns were an onion related snack. I pronounced the name "Funny-Uns."
I'm off topic again.

So while the rest of the world enjoys the misery of child soldiers and an active sex-slave trade, I have the nerve to complain about the girl down at Starbucks getting my coffee order wrong, while my iPhone decodes magic laser beams sent from space, giving me access to any piece of recorded knowledge in the sum of human history. A device so incredible that if I could show it to the ancient Egyptians they would declare, "The true pharaoh has arrived!" proceeding to violently gut the previous ruler and build me a throne of his and his children's bones.

That's the thing, when the original Gameboy came out, people accepted that was a limit to how much crap you could cram in your pockets. We have now been taught that the entire history of human knowledge will fit in our pants, as well as a camera, a GPS, the entire discography of Stevie Nicks, every season of Entourage, and an app that plays the Epic Sax Guy music when you shake it (my buddy has this and we jam on it all the goddamn time). We are now a society of horribly spoiled brats, and for Nintendo to expect to be celebrated because their poorly-equipped machine tricks my brain into thinking Mario is floating, is laughable.

Simply put, the iPhone has set the bar for magical future devices, and the Nintendo 3DS falls far short of that mark. It's like asking me whether I want a machine gun or a laser rifle. Both of these things are cool, but one of them is magic and from space and clearly superior. However I will say that though the iPhone and Android markets have countless developers putting out new and exciting apps by the hour, Nintendo's e-shop is definitely gearing up with some killer apps, having recently tasked their finest programmers with creating a fully 3D version of the worst Nintendo game ever.


This is Urban Champion 3D. Along with Sarah Palin, it is proof that we are living on some some of crazy Bizarro Earth-2.

 Did I mention most iPhone games are like a buck? Because 3D Classics: Urban Champion is five goddamn dollars.

There was one thing that could've saved this goddamn console, and its name was Megaman Legends 3. It would've been the impossibly epic tale of getting Mega Man's robot ass off the moon, so that he could once again go on a kick-ass 3D adventure, along with those three hot chicks and that weird kid with the goggles. Instead, that shit got canned. Why? Because even Capcom knows that developing for the 3DS is like betting on the horse which just moments ago was shot in the face by its crazed, temperamental jockey who was probably wicked strung out on meth or something. Now, this dying bleeding animal has somehow managed to find its way onto the race course, staggering along the track as spectators gasp in horror.


Gesualdi: Put a picture of a rotting horse corpse right above this line of text. Editor: No.

At first I was pretty upset that Megaman Legends 3 got cancelled (ok, I won't lie, I'm still pissed as hell). Now I realize that Capcom was just the stoic old man with the shotgun, trying to put this blearry-eyed beast out of its misery. 

Now there's a lot of different factors that contributed to canceling the only 3DS title anybody was looking forward to (see: Capcom's epic dick-waving competition), though it seems pretty obvious that the 3DS's awful sales are what's most to blame. Developers go where the gamers are money is. When Nintendo decided to release a pink box with a purse handle, gamers bought Playstation 2s and Xboxes, and Nintendo watched as exclusives like Resident Evil 4 eventually trickled their way over to the competition. And now that Nintendo has failed to build a Nintendogs-based portable economy, developers are going to move right along to the Playstation Vita (which by the way, seems to offer a near-iPhone level of Wizard Powers).   


If I could watch 3D porn on this sexy little piece of hardware, I'd be set for life.

Now that I think about it, it kind of seems like Capcom just trolling the ever-loving crap out of Nintendo. First there was that whole Capcom Five thing, with P.N.03 as the only actual exclusive yielded (and I'm like one of five people who liked that game). Now they first cancel a hotly anticipated 3DS title, only to turn around and accept buckets of money from Nintendo in exchange for Monster Hunter exclusivity? That's basically like the old man shooting the horse in the head, then dragging its corpse off to some terrifying rusty shack so he can make love to the corpse. 

Did I just compare Monster Hunter 3DS to making love to a dead horse? Wow, I am definitely not getting a review copy of that one...

In summary:

The Nintendo 3DS was a noble experiment, much like the Virtual Boy was a noble experiment. And Nintendo will keep on doing what they always do, completely ignoring the terrible results of these experiments, while developing new consoles so incredibly un-exciting that just announcing them to the public causes their stock to drop to its lowest point in five years. The problem is that Nintendo seems incapable of understanding how the market is evolving, which is why they spent an entire console generation chasing after the casual market, completely ignoring the cries of their once loyal fanbase. Now the casual market is completely dominated by smartphones, and Nintendo's efforts to appeal to the hardcore fanbase by paying out the ass for Monster Hunter, is just another example of "too little, too late." 

Honestly, I see two options for Nintendo to not just go straight-up bankrupt in the next five years. One is to admit defeat, get out of the hardware business and become a top-tier third party developer. Nintendo is good at making games, not consoles, and they have no chance of competing in the next console generation if they've only got this portable clunker and an HD Wii with a stupid tablet controller. The second option is to start up their own pornography studio, marketing the Nintendo 3DS as the only digital media player capable of rendering high-quality 3D smut. 

My preference leans towards the latter.

- Vito Gesualdi
(Want to see Gesualdi trolling Capcom to try and get Mega Man's robot ass off the moon? Check out this video!)

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Vito Gesualdi GameZone.com Senior Editor, DraftMagic.com Editor-in-Chief, NoNoComedy.com Contributor, and the hardest working man in show business. King of video walkthroughs for new games. Follow me on the twitters @VitoGesualdi.
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