Ten fun things you can take away from otherwise forgettable video game films
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Shang Tsung Actually Makes a Good Heihachi
The name Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa may not be immediately recognized by some of you, but he’s starred in a number of memorable action flicks over the years, including Licence To Kill and Showdown In Little Tokyo. However, with the original Mortal Kombat film, he took the Shang Tsung role and absolutely made it his, complete with all of the character’s signature taunts (“Fatality!”) and attitude. What might blow your mind a little further, though, is how he managed to embrace another villain for a video game film. In Tekken, he appears as Heihachi Mishima, and while that sounds somewhat weak, he actually portrays that role very well, too. Too bad we can’t say the same for Robin Shou, who went from being Liu Kang in the Mortal Kombat films to…Gen in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. We don’t get it either.
Super Mario Bros. Would Be Great With a Bob Hoskins Commentary
Super Mario Bros. the Movie. Ugh, really, enough said. The writer/director team of Rocky Morton and Annabel Jankel took Nintendo’s beloved franchise and tossed it into a flaming pile of crap, with enough bad jokes, lame story twists and ridiculously bad performances (“Hold the mammal!”) to fit several films. But it’s fun to watch drunk with friends, and we can’t help but think how much fun it would be to sit down with Bob Hoskins, who played Mario in the film, and just chat about how god awful it is. In an interview that followed the film’s release years later, Hoskins explained that it was simply “the worst thing I ever did”, using expletives to get the point across. It’d be funny to see what scenes irked him the most…or how bad he thought Dennis Hopper’s make-up was. Oh, well, we’ll never have that opportunity, so just do the next best thing and watch this with your friends. And keep some alcohol within reach.
The Andy Dick Weatherman Bit In Double Dragon
Need a fulfilling reason to watch the Double Dragon movie? We really can’t think of one. Not even Alyssa Milano in her post-Who’s the Boss days in jean shorts can really remedy the pain we’ve taken away from the film. However, if you want to take away an ideal moment from it, try a newscast. For some odd reason, the producers thought it would be a good idea to make Wheel of Fortune spinstress Vanna White and super-mega-bronze George Hamilton news reporters. No. BUT they did hit the nail on the head when they brought in Andy Dick to do the weather report, wearing a really bad cloud vest and talking about how the “fogcast” affected the area. It’s a fleeting moment, but you’ll have more fun sitting through that than trying to watch his atrocious Division III: Football’s Finest. Talk about your bad movies.
Timothy Olyphant Actually Makes a Decent Agent 47
Out of some really bad game movies, we actually get some decent performances from actors who really feel like they fill in their roles. Angelina Jolie, for instance, makes a very good Lara Croft, complete with curves and plenty of guff to back them up. But it’s Timothy Olyphant that might catch you off guard in the Hitman film adaptation, a movie that’s easily forgotten due to its over-direction and bad story. If you stick with it, though, you’ll find that Olyphant, just coming off his villainous performance in Live Free Or Die Hard, serves the role well, complete with trademark bald head, suit and pistols. If you need another reason to watch, though, there’s Olga Kurylenko, who definitely shows off a fair amount of skin. That’s a decent Friday night there if we do say so ourselves.
Uwe Boll Will Never Make a Good Film. Now Drink Up His Rottenness.
If you’re looking for Uwe Boll to ever redeem himself in film, let’s face facts, he won’t. He’ll fight the way he make films till the day he stops completely, and nothing you can say or do will change that. So with that, just try to have fun with how truly awful his films are. Start with House of the Dead and marvel at the unnecessary camera spins. Sit through Alone In the Dark and wonder just how legitimate a researcher Tara Reid makes. Wonder at BloodRayne and marvel at Ben Kingsley’s underacting abilities. (Yes, he actually has some.) Take in Postal and try to avoid looking directly at a naked Dave Foley. Then wash it all down with Til Schweiger in Far Cry, comparing him to a younger Dolph Lundgren, but without the appeal. There’s just no getting around to the fact that he’ll never make a faithful game film. But at least he made good fodder to drink by.