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Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Gamers

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Posted by: Lance Liebl

2012 is almost here, and you know what that means...the apocolpyse.  But that's supposed to happen on December 23, so we pretty much have an entire year til then.  That gives you plenty of time to stick to whatever New Year's Resolution you set for yourself.  We know that most of you will have given up or forgotten about yours by mid-January, but it's at least good to try.  Heck, a few year's ago, my resolution was to have abs like Ryan Reynolds...a kid later...ask my wife how that one went.  So here are some pretty intense New Year's Resolutions geared towards gamers...doubt you'd be able to stick to these.

10. Promise to not ragequit a MW3 game against a clan of all snipers #whoamikidding

If you play the spawn camping madness of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, then odds are you've had a game where the entire enemy team is sniping you and confined you to one area of the map.  Even attempt to leave it and you're dead.  It's a no-win situation, and you're going to lose.  Don't ragequit though; be a team player and stick it out with your comrades.  There's nothing worse than having most of your team quit the match and you having to face those snipers alone.

 

9a. Promise to not include a play on 'Boba' or 'Fett' in my Bounty Hunter's name in SWTOR

If you're playing on a role-playing server, you don't have to worry about this.  However, most people don't play on RP servers, and for that we get 500 bounty hunters running around in Kaas City, pretending they're Boba Fett.  I've seen Bubba Fett, BobbbaFettt, Bulba Fette, BobaRobaFett, Bobafetish, and countless others.  Just...stop it.

9b. Promise to not make a character in SWTOR that mimics any names from the Star Wars movies

Okay, so not Han Solo, no Chewbacca, no Leia, no Luke Skywalker, no Ben Kenobi -- none of them.  Use some creativity and come up with your own name.  Personally, I would never group with a smuggler that tried to make his name like Han Solo and had a Wookie companion with them. 

 

8. Promise to spell correctly if I'm going to verbally assault someone

I'm looking at you Ocean Marketting, Ocean Stratagy, Ocean whatteverrr.  This also is geared towards those who troll forums.  If you're going to insult people, do it properly.

 

7a. Promise to listen to more Dubstep.

All the pro gamers do it.  If you want to start gaming seriously, it looks like the first step to doing that is listening to more dubstep.  You might bleed from the ears, and doctors haven't confirmed that dubstep is the cause of aneurysms yet, but just like every League of Legends high elo streamer, you should listen to more dubstep.

dubstep motivational poster

7b. Stop listening to Dubstep

If you listen to too much dubstep, this is your chance to stop and redeem your soul before the earth opens up and swallows you.  Seriously -- it's not even music.  It's 'womp womp womp' sounds and bad remixes.  You know what type of people like dubstep?  People like this:

dubstep

WTF are you?!!!

 

6a. Promise to not pay $600 for a Wii U

6b. Promise to not buy a Wii U until they decide to name it something cooler

Pretty self explanatory.  Nintendo hasn't done much right lately (sorry David).  With a rumor that the Wii U will be priced at $600, that's completely unacceptable.  Promise to not buy it.  It's pretty much a Wii with a different controller and Xbox 360 graphics (maybe, we haven't even seen it outside of a tech demo yet).  That's good enough to probably have the worst graphics out of the next wave of consoles.  And we know the games to expect: 18 Mario Party and Mario and Sonic Olympics games, 500 more party games, a Mario Kart, a new Zelda, a Kirby, 10 different Wii Sports games, no good shooters, and no Mega Man.  Also, the name?  Stupid.  So stupid.

 

5. Promise to not play Mass Effect 3 just to get laid

Mass Effect games have so much to offer, but people seem to only play with one goal in mind: Get Commander Shepard laid.  Don't even get me started on the guys that play as Fem Shep to see lesbian kissing scenes.  People play Mass Effect like an intergalactic soft-core porn movie, choosing whatever reactions will get them closer to that awkward striptease/makeout on a desk scene where you hope your parents or girlfriend don't walk into the room. 

 

4a. Promise to balance video game time and girlfriend time

4b. Promise to get a girlfriend

If you don't have a girlfriend, 4b is the route you wanna go.  If you do have one, you might be like me and be lagging behind on the games you bought and haven't had time to play.  With Skyrim, Saints Row the Third, MW3, BF3, SWTOR, Arkham City, and Skyward Sword all being released in the last 2-3 months, it's impossible to *beat* all of them.  If you work or go to school, there's even less time in your day to conquer these behemoth games.  So encourage your girlfriend to go out for a girls' night; compromise to see Twilight if you can have three un-interrupted hours of video game time.  Relationships are all about balance and compromise.

 

3a. Promise to stop expecting the Xbox 720 and PlayStation 4 next year

It's not happening people.  They'll come out a lot closer to the 10 year lifespan mark for the current gen of consoles.  Those of you hoping for an E3 announcement and Fall release need to lower your expectations.  Don't rush a new console (that's how we get unfinished products) and just enjoy the next wave of great games coming out for the 360 and PS3.

3b. Stop calling the new Xbox the 720 until it's actually announced as the 720

I hate that 720 has been adopted by the gaming community as the name for the new Xbox simply because it is 2x 360.  Hate it.  It's stupid logic to call the system by that name.  Yet, people can't help themselves.  The Xbox Fartknuckle is as likely a name as 720 right now -- well, maybe not, but you get the idea.

 

2. Promise to not argue and engage in flame wars with Battlefield 4 vs Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 (or whatever new CoD game it is)

We don't need this to happen again.  It's still an ugly war between the two.  The fanboys for both are passionate and irritating.  Why can't both games coexist side by side.  I don't need to see N4G be the way it was in the months leading up to BF3's and MW3's releases.  No one listens to anyone, and people get personal with the insults.  Make a promise to not stoop down to this level with the next games in these two popular series come out.

 

1. Promise to stop ending every comment with "Then I took an arrow to the knee."

It was funny the first time.  Heck, it was funny the 10th time.  But when I watch a video of a five year old singing a Beetles song and the top comment is "I used to be five, then I took an arrow to the knee," it gets a little old.  Every video on YouTube has a comment that includes this Skyrim reference.  It's everywhere.  Forums.  Facebook pictures.  Bathroom stall walls.  Tattoos.  It's a little ridiculous.  It's not even creative or funny at this point.  It's annoying.  I can't wait until 2012 brings us a phrase that the internet will use until it's exhausted and annoying.  If this doesn't go away, I pray the Mayan calendar is right.  It's so bad that I'm coming up with logical arguments to why an arrow to the knee would stop someone from doing ______.  Football players tear their ACLs and MCLs and come back to rush for a thousand yards.  With today's medical technology, an arrow is nothing.  Lance Armstrong took a scalpel to the scrotum and won seven Tour de France races.

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