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World Exclusive: Final Fantasy XVI Review

April 1, 2010

World Exclusive: Final Fantasy XVI Review
By Louis Bedigian

We bring you our final verdict on a game that's so new, it hasn't even been announced.

Here at GameZone, we get review materials all the time. But we were absolutely floored when, at just one minute past midnight on April 1st, 2010, we received a reviewable build of Final Fantasy XVI. Yes folks, that's right -- the 16th chapter of the long-running RPG series is in our hands, just weeks after FFXIII landed on store shelves! Eager to produce the final verdict for a game that's so new, it hasn't even been announced, we stayed up all night playing Final Fantasy XVI to bring you this world exclusive review.

Due for release sometime between the next third and fourth presidential elections (or "whenever it's ready," says a lead programmer), Final Fantasy XVI tells the story of four characters – Blasphemy Startled, Ridiculous "Ridikki" Jones, Tapioca Dewdrop, and Melancholy Frownsalot – with big-city dreams. They hop in a van together and leave the small town of Convoluted to audition for a role in a musical starring pop sensation Leona Lewis, whose music plays throughout the game, most notably when the characters are speaking.

Things go horribly wrong when Lewis' manager mysteriously cancels the audition, leaving our four heroes with broken dreams.

Ridikki: "What are we gonna do now, guys?"

Tapioca: "I think I'm going to become a chocolatier. I've always wanted to make pudding for a living."

Mel: "I plan to refill my depression meds and write some poetry."

Blasphemy: "I'll probably join a gym."

Ridikki: "Oh. Sounds like you all have a plan. So what am I gonna do now?"

Tapioca: ".........................."

Mel: "................................."

Blasphemy: "....................."

Enraged by their response, Ridikki vows to take over the world. Now Mel, Tapioca and Blasphemy must join together to defeat Ridikki before he casts his final spell – something the townsfolk refer to as, "Pants on the Ground."

Final Fantasy XVI spans five Blu-ray discs on PS3 and 30 DVDs on Xbox 360. To say that this game is massive would be a severe understatement; we started walking in a straight line at Point A, the first level, and didn't reach Point B for a good 90 minutes. During that time we took on dozens of monsters, cast several different spells, and earned a few thousand Gil, which we used to buy new weapons. Needless to say, it was a very unique experience.

The battle system features all the Final Fantasy mainstays plus a host of new summon monsters, including William Hung, Ashlee Simpson, and Glee, an expensive-but-deadly summon that takes half your MP but unleashes the power of the hit Fox TV series. Clearly, the developers wish to use Final Fantasy XVI to target that sought-after market segment of gamers who love to see their beloved role-playing franchises overrun with pop icons. 

Graphically, Final Fantasy XVI is out of this world. There are dozens of linear passages, and every one of them is drenched in polygon beauty. In fact, the graphics are so good that you will love the game's many characters even though none of them have anything interesting to say.

This should in no way imply that the game is perfect. Throughout the journey, Final Fantasy XVI has a few issues that diehard fans are sure to notice. For starters, Cid has been replaced by a guy who looks like Justin Bieber. What's that about? Also, while the summon spells are a great way to kill a dozen enemies with ease, their animations are way too long. I summoned Lady Gaga two hours ago and she's still performing! (On the bright side, all of the paparazzi monsters have disappeared.)

Final Fantasy XVI may not be the perfect RPG we were hoping for, but it is still going to be the most anticipated game of the next decade. Though our requests for screenshots were denied, there is no doubt that when you finally see this game in action – expect an official announcement in eight or 10 years – you will be blown away.

Review Scoring Details for Final Fantasy XVI


Gameplay: N/A (Scores are being held until the game's release. Expect a review update on April 1st, 2021.)
With summon monsters like the Spice Girls and Boy Band Bombshell, Final Fantasy XVI’s gameplay is quite diverse.

 

Graphics: N/A
The graphics are so good, you’d swear we were making this up.

 

Sound: N/A
You have earplugs handy. Right?

 

Difficulty: N/A
Like watching a movie that occasionally requires you to press a button.

 

Concept: N/A
I can't say much about the characters, the story or the gameplay. But wait till you see the graphics! They're out of this world!

 

Multiplayer: N/A
No multiplayer modes are featured. But to ensure you aren't a pirate, Final Fantasy XVI may employ next-gen DRM technology that requires you to be online, perform a retina scan and hold your ID up to the television at all times while playing.

 

Overall: N/A
In case of emergency, press the eject button on your console and throw the disc out the window...and realize that this review is a joke. Happy April Fools!

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