news\ Aug 29, 2012 at 2:58 pm

The 'Ninja Turtles' script is full of what the f**k


I would like some glimmer of hope to come through for Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles movie, but will every news piece that comes out, that seems less likely. Review site Latino Review provided some script elements, which is being written by Andre Nemec and Josh Applebaum (both have written Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol).

You'll notice that in this draft that is being spoken about that none of it is really accurate to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles canon. Fans are already freaked about this project, considering Michael Bay said they're going to be aliens. Thankfully, the project was put on hold until the script can be ironed out, but according to these details, it doesn't look any damn better. [SPOILERS AHEAD]

According to Latino Review, a project called 'The Blue Door' has awesome Turtle action and their wisecracking comments, and after that it's all awful. Casey Jones and April are both 18-year-olds and exes. Supposedly, these characters don't even resemeble the ones we know. The villain isn't Shredder. Get ready for this — the villain is Colonel Schrader. And The Foot? They're a special forces unit led by Shrader... instead of being a ninja clan. The turtles also use their shells a lot when fighting. And that whole mutant thing? Well, they're the subjects of a government project that involves mutagens and altered species.

That's just the stuff I'm reporting on. There's a whole bunch more if you go to Latino Review. But seriously, this is some pretty disturbing stuff. Why even make them turtles? Why not make them bunny rabbits? It's like they're just using the Ninja Turtle name. Actually, that's exactly what they're doing. You can watch a video that shares more of the script at Latino Review, so have fun watching that while you pull out your hair.

You can follow Movies and Culture Editor Lance Liebl on Twitter @Lance_GZ

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Lance Liebl Ray. If someone asks if you are a god, you say, "yes!"
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