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Have
you ever had…
by
The Bearer
0755: This was to be a quick “in and out” mission. Nothing too involved, nothing too dangerous, nothing too time consuming. Receive the goods and pay for services rendered and the goods received. How hard could it be?
0800: Goods received and stowed, mission half completed, and maybe some lesser agent would have ended the job right then and there, but I’m a mission-accomplished type of guy. There’d be no loose ends to worry about later with me.
0802: No one seems to be paying attention to me, which is good, damn good, especially in this line of work, but I can’t help but feeling that all is not right. Maybe I’d have felt better if I hadn’t brought the “damsel in distress” with me. I mean, for crying out loud, what was I thinking? Did I really think she’d be any safer with me? Did I truly believe that the mission would not be any harder with her in tow? Ah, who am I kidding? I was just trying to show off a little, hoping maybe to impress her. I’m getting too old for this crap as it is and here I am making a rookie mistake. Should’ve left her at the safe house, despite her objections.
0803: At the door, I’ve got to wonder if maybe I’m not overreacting. This is a simple job right? If we were in any danger of being found out surely it would’ve happened before now. Besides, it’s bright here. Lights everywhere, what danger could there be? I turn to smile at her. Damn, I hope she’s impressed. How many times in her life could she have been in such close proximity to a secret government agent? Well, actually, with those looks, probably as much as she damn well pleased, but then again, I am the only one in sight outfitted in this stylish, form fitting, sneaking suit. Sure hope my butt don’t look too big.
0804: I open the door for my charge. Among many things, I am a gentlemen, nobody can take that from me. I bet Solid Snake wouldn’t hold the door open. Hell, I’m not even sure he likes girls. He did kill Sniper Wolf for pity’s sake. She enters the building, unaware, probably distracted by all of the bright lights and hopefully my boyish charm. WAIT!!! WHAT WAS THAT!?!? My pulse explodes, my heart flops and flutters like a fish out of water. I’m frozen, hoping beyond all hope that I didn’t see the thing that I thought I saw from the corner of my eye. I have no choice now; I’ve got to check. My eyes rotate in their sockets because the rest of my body is refusing to follow orders. DAMN!!! I WAS RIGHT!!! SECURITY CAMERA!!!
My charge turns towards me, trying to smile over the shock and wonder painted all over her face. I begin to smile, a nervous reaction I’m sure. I hope she can’t see through it. Keep your cool big guy; never let ‘em see you sweat. You’ve been in worse before. But I can’t stop it, there’s nothing I can do to fight it, I’ve lost control. Laughter, wild and untamed, bursts from my inner most places. The look of confusion grows by leaps and bounds upon her face.
“What’s wrong?” she asks. Valid question, I suppose, since there is nothing here that would warrant such a display. With a deep breath of resignation, my face burning with desire and embarrassment, I have no choice, I must tell her.
“I’ve been playing too much damned Splinter Cell is what’s wrong.”
True story. Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite that dramatic and my mission was to merely put gas in the old family Bronco, but hey, I did have a beautiful woman with me. I still laugh at it to this day, three weeks after the fact. While stepping into the gas station to pay for the gas, my mind on everything else but where I was and what I was doing, I caught the gas station’s security camera out of the corner of my eye, and I absolutely froze. Damn you Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow!!! You see, I’d been playing it for about three solid days when this happened.
My wife and I got a great laugh out of it, but it got me wondering. How often does stuff like this happen to gamers? Quite a bit is my guess after having thought about it a little longer. Heck I came up with a few more personal experiences of my own. There was the time pulling down a residential street only to have a police car approach from the other direction, causing my pulse to spike as I wondered what my wanted level was at. Needless to say, that was after a marathon session of GTA. Then there was the time where unbeknownst to me I ran through a red light that was obscured by both an exit sign and the sun. I came out of the sun only to see myself preparing to broadside a little Geo Metro with my big, burly Bronco. As my truck bore down, no more than probably five feet from annihilating the Metro, everything slowed down into slow motion. Did I see my life flash before my eyes? No! I told you, I was in my Bronco, that thing’s a tank. But what I did see was Gran Turismo 3 as some Zen sounding voice in my head calmly stated, “You don’t have to hit it.” Now, there’s been some controversy within my mind since then as to whose voice I heard. It wasn’t mine and I don’t think it was God’s, but I have strong suspicions that it might have been Kaz Hirai of Playstation fame. How he invaded my fragile, little mind is no great secret, but nonetheless he did help me avoid an accident that would have been terribly messy at best. In hindsight, it’s probably a good thing I hadn’t been playing Twisted Metal Black that day.
So, with that all said and detailed, I want to hear from you, dear reader. Have you ever had the videogame world invade your “real” world? If so, how? Hopefully, I’m not alone in this phenomenon, in which case, I beg you, “Please don’t tell the guys in the funny white suits what I said.” If, however, any of you have had similar experiences, I’ll write another “Zoned In” column detailing the best and or funniest. So, let ‘em rip. Email me at the link below and let me know if you’d like to remain anonymous.
‘Til Next Time,
The Bearer
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