Torrente

“Get me some chips and salsa, ‘cause I need to celebrate.  I’m fat.  I’m bald.  My ugly face sticks out like a thumb so sore you could notice it a mile away.  But the ladies love me!  No really, they do.  That’s because they know that at the end of the day, when all the body bags are being filled and all the scum is being taken away, I’ll be the last man standing.  I’ll be the one firing the bullets, and they’ll be the ones taking ‘em.”

That’s my interpretation of the crazy-fat-man-that-could (but didn’t), Torrente.  He’s an absolute mess from the beginning of the game, and it doesn’t appear that he’ll get it together in time for the final mission.  Anyone who plays the game will realize that that’s the point: Torrente is intentionally the worst possible choice for every job, especially one that involves saving lives, protecting friends, etc.  “This is a very delicate situation which needs to be handled by a true specialist,” Torrente comments during the mission load screen.  “So we’ll have to find one.”

He may be inferior, and his chances of success are smaller than the chances of them making another Tomb Raider flick.  Yet he manages to save the day every time.

Playing from either a first- or third-person perspective, Torrente won’t surprise anyone at first.  The gameplay corresponds to his obesity, so you can’t run as fast as you can in other action games.  You can’t jump either.  You don’t get a force field, nor do you have a supernatural way of protecting yourself from the farrago of assassins who wish to see you die.  In this respect the game is pretty realistic.  Snipers are hard to detect without looking closely (or getting shot, which is the way I usually became aware of their presence).

Real-world objects make great shields against gunfire.  Not much can withstand the power of a grenade launcher, but it’s never a mistake to get behind a car when a machine gun assassin opens fire.  Little damage is done to the vehicle (unless it’s one you’re trying to protect).  Just wait it out.  No one can fire a weapon forever.  Your enemies never actually run out of ammo, but that doesn’t give ‘em free reign to fire a constant stream of bullets.

The missions are nothing like you’d expect.  The first mission sends Torrente all around town to defuse five bombs, a typical objective for the genre.  Entertaining, but not very challenging.  From then on the game becomes much more difficult.  It’s no longer about shooting, killing and stopping explosives; soon you’ll have to save a blind man from dying a terrible death.  You’ll have to replace sewer covers, shoot down wooden boards and close the lid on any open manholes.  Otherwise Torrente’s blindfolded friend may slip and fall.  The developers don’t know it, but they missed the perfect opportunity for an “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” joke.

Another mission lets Torrente make good use of his sniper skills.  What sniper skills?  Believe it or not Torrente is an excellent marksman.  He can pick off far-off enemies with the best of ‘em, and in one important mission he’ll have to deactivate several bombs using nothing more than his rifle.  Shoot the “off” switch on each bomb before the time runs out to win.  Don’t worry too much about failing though.  Failing to complete the task just means that you’ll have to try again.  Not the entire mission, just that part of it.

One of the toughest, most excruciating missions you’ll encounter has Torrente acting like a car shield.  His friend is in the car, he’s trying to escape, and it’s up to you to walk alongside the car and guide it through the deadly, hitman-littered streets.  They’ll bomb the heck out of you from all angles.  Your only hope is to keep the car from moving too far ahead (you can do this by standing directly in front of it), and successfully eliminate any snipers or grenade launcher-toting enemies before you’re within their range.  Can’t do it?  Then you’re toast.  You won’t have to worry about wearing cement shoes because your feet will no longer be attached.  That kind of defeats the purpose of torture.  You can’t inflict pain on something that’s already dead.

Torrente lightens the game’s dark mood, earning laughter (and a few covered faces) for dancing and cheering when he wins.  He dishes out a number of wisecracks throughout each mission, but his best lines are heard before the mission begins.  It didn’t seem necessary to have him swear so frequently, but I guess that was done to get the point across that he is not a good man.  Bad men have no regard for foul language.

Crude, obnoxious, and overly proud of himself, Torrente comes across has the hero nobody wants to be.  But in a game world anything goes.  Video games make it fun to be the fat guy who always got picked last in dodgeball.  They say it’s what’s on the inside that counts.  But they were wrong.  What really matters is how big the weapons are, and how much ammo they bring.  Torrente’s got the proper firepower; all you need to do is lead him to victory.