3 movies that we never want to see

Space Jam with Lebron James

It's not because I'm hating on Lebron — even though he goes by King James before ever winning a Title. It's because he's no Michael Jordan. No one is. And that's why this can never ever happen. And I know some movie producer or executive somewhere is just dying to do this. They've probably seen the commercials with Lebron and thought he was funny. Then he realizes that bright shirts of Sesame Street characters' faces are really popular amongst inner-city youth. Then he couldn't tell the difference between Loony Tunes and Sesame Street.

I know you guys could see this being made, and that's why we have to ax it right now. No Space Jam with Lebron James. No Space Jam with anyone. While we're at it — no Kazaam either.

 

Batman after Christopher Nolan leaves

First there were the Tim Burton/Michael Keaton Batman movies; those were good. Now we have the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale Batman movies. In between there was… darkness. It was the dark ages of the Batman movies. It was campy bullsh*t with big-name actors in roles they had no business being in. We had Val Kilmer and George Clooney in pointy-nippled Batman suits. We had Arnold Schwarzenegger playing Mr. Freeze and all of these awful puns:

• What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!
• Stay cool, Bird-boy.
• All right everyone, Chill!
• Cool party.
• Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it's the chilling sound of your doom!
• Let's kick some ICE!

I'll stop there. There's also the really bad intros of Batgirl and Robin. Nothing is good about those movies. And now we're priming for a reboot. It has to be done; Nolan's Batman is done and has no place in the Justice League movie coming up. Batman can't fit in the way he currently is. A new Batman is on its way, and while it doesn't mean it's going cheese-ball again, I'm not looking forward to what might come.

 

Ghostbusters without Bill Murray

Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis… listen. Do not make a third Ghostbusters movie if Bill Murray isn't going to do it. No one wants to see that, because it just won't work. Apparently you've sent him a few drafts and scripts, and none of them have been good. Why? Because Dan and Harold aren't writing the script. They have the lesser names that penned Year One writing it… because that movie was sooooo good.

When you hear Bill Murray talk about Ghostbusters III, he sounds so torn. You can tell he's great friends with Dan and Harold, and he sounds like he's really like to do another, but the script just isn't there. He didn't love the script for Ghostbusters II, so there's no way he's going to do a third if it isn't up to stuff.

So here's the simple solution: write an awesome script. Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis needs to sit down and really hammer out a great idea. The rest of the original cast is already in. Just focus on the writing. It needs that subtle adult humor that the first one had. No matter what script you have, fans will not enjoy it if Bill Murray isn't in it… so fix it. I like the rumors of Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd, and I would like Seth helping with the script, but like I said, no one wants to see a Bill Murray-less Ghostbusters.

…. So be good, for goodness sake. Whoa-oh somebody's comin!

You can follow Lance Liebl on Twitter @Lance_GZ. He also like t-shirts… send him t-shirts. KCCO.

There are some movies that should never be made, and then there are some movies that should be made but Hollywood just screws up. I'm sure you can think of a few just off the top of your head. Some movies I saw during my childhood that I was sure were going to be awesome — only to leave scratching my head. When you have little kids scratching their heads, that's not good. It's either a really sh*tty movie or the theater they went to made them get lice from the seats.

So here are three movies that definitely need to be redone/remade/rebooted/re-whatever you want to call it, followed by three movies I never, ever… f*cking ever want to see.

3 movies that needed to be made yesterday

Super Mario Bros.

What the f*ck was with the original? How do you take the Super Mario Bros video game and turn it into that? First of all, no Peach? REALLY? Second of all, how do you have Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, and Dennis Hopper in a cast and fail to provide them with anything that closely resembles a workable script?

There's nothing I can say about Super Mario Bros that hasn't already been said. It is one of the worst movies ever. If aliens were going to invade, our best shot at survival would be to broadcast Super Mario Bros to them in the hope of them hightailing it out of here.

A new Super Mario Bros movie would have to actually try to resemble the game. Someone that loves the series should write the script. And as long as we don't let Uwe Boll direct it, it can't be any worse than the original. But after Nintendo saw what Mario looked like last time it was on the big screen, it's a long-shot that there will ever be another attempt at the Mario brothers. Still, I can't take it that the 1993 movie is out there and no one is trying to salvage it and give it a good go.

 

Masters of the Universe

I had a tough time putting this on the list because I loved — wait, I still love — this movie. I was a huge fan of He-Man as a child. I don't think there was a kid that didn't have He-Man underwear. Dolph Lundgren was an awesome He-Man; the great Frank Langella was Skeletor; Courteney Cox was in it; and Robert Duncan McNeill (who played Tom Paris, my favorite character in Star Trek: Voyager) played a tune that gets stuck in my head til this very day.

So what went wrong with the movie? Nothing in my opinion. I just think it's unfair that this generation of youth is being exposed to Transformers and G.I. Joe, along with every super hero, yet He-Man gets the shaft. Show him some love! He's got the power!

He-Man in a Masters of the Universe remake could become insanely popular. And just think of all the merchandise! Also, I think Jon Favreau would be the perfect director for it.

 

Street Fighter

This movie was so full of suck that not even Jean-Claude Van Damme Raul Julia (Gomez Addams) could save it. The entire time you watch it, you'll wish you were being waterboarded instead. Who's idea was it to cast Van Damme — who can't do an American accent to save his life — in the role of Guile? As a matter of fact, the entire casting job was just atrocious.

Everything was atrocious — the fight scenes, the sound effects, the jokes, the script, the acting… oh god, how awful that acting is. This movie can be done the right way. With Mortal Kombat getting another chance at making a good movie, it's only fair that Street Fighter gets a chance to redeem itself.

You know the worst part of all this? My parents got me the Street Fighter movie-based video game…

 

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